| |
You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > Dating a friend
Expert: Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT - 10/30/2009
Question
I met this man three months ago named John. He is a really nice guy, good to me and my grandson. He has told me up front that he does not want a committed relationship, does not want a girlfriend and at the time I understood that. It has now been three almost four months and we have been intimate and have been together almost every night since me met. We are not intimate every night but now it has been almost a month for that. He wants a friend to hang out with and just have fun. We however do not go anywhere, just hang out at my house. We dont really have much alone time as I do have custody of my grandson. I am gaining feelings for him and because he does not offer me what I want and need at this time in my life, I have tried to break it off a few times. He always pulls me back. He is looking for friends first to have fun, hang out etc. I am at a point in my life that I am looking for someone to settle down with, I am tired of being alone, sleeping alone and not having that companionship. He is 49 and I am 47. Like I said he is at my house almost every night, if I do have the chance to go somewhere I cant because he is there, keeping me from meeting Mr. Right. My question is how do I gain my life back without being mean, and without falling in love with someone who does not want the same things that I want to take it back to a friendship level. It has been really hard for me to figure that out and has gotten me sinking into depression. i do have feelings for him but feel that I am too old to waste time with someone at this point. I want so much more than what he has to offer. I want a committed relationship, a loving relationship where I can be myself, intimate relationship, best friend relationship, I am a pretty hard working woman, who is raising her grandson and feel that I deserve someone wonderful in my life and I am ready for that person. So please help find a way to take this back to friends and my life back. Thank you Kristin
Answer
Well Kristin, the neat thing here is that everyone has been open with their wants and needs. The relationship you have appears to be exactly what he wants. This would be wonderful if the two of you were on the same page. The fact that you are hoping for more is perfectly fine and, of course, may mean that the relationship has progressed as far as it can. As you are sharing about your hopes and efforts Kristin, it sounds like you are trying to justify your position; you do not have to. You have the right for happiness and have been upfront with these hopes. Please do not see setting your boundaries as being mean.
Of course, he does not want this to end. It sounds like you are offering him a lot and this is wonderful. Thank him for your time together. Calmly and lovingly, let him know how you respect his wishes for the relationship to stay as this level of friendship and how you need more. You do not need to justify yourself; you have been clear from the beginning. Reach out for support and get out in the community. It is clear being home every night will keep you from potential connections. Please know that he may not want being "friends" (especially not right away -- or he may believe /state he can but then not keep the boundary) as you describe in the last sentence but that is ok. Good luck! Stuart
Add to this Answer Ask a Question
|
|
