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Question I am 19 and my boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. We have had several fights (usually over small things that just accumulate into bigger things), which lead to me saying that I'm through. I wind up leaving, but everytime we'll just wind up talking the next day or so like nothing ever happened. It just seems like after enough times passes, we forget and just want to spend time together.
I am just very tired of fighting all the time. By this I mean, nearly everyday. It could be anything from me getting mad at him being lazy about something to him getting mad because he thinks I'm looking at other guys. I just want all of this bickering to stop. The two of us are so stubborn that neither will back down and just let the other person be right. I think he acts childish and immature and he thinks I am jealous and over-bearing.
I question a lot whether we should stay together. I was his very first girlfriend so he has not experienced much, but I had another kind of serious relationship before him (also lasting two years), which he really resents. He thinks I still like my ex, and no matter how much I try to reassure him that I don't, he just won't believe it. I also know that most people would be upset later in life at having not experienced much, but he is such a non-social person that I kind of doubt he will feel that way. We finally stopped playing online video games (which were ruining our relationship and trust), but he had friends on there. He does not have anyone that he hangs out with, nor do I think he really wants to.
The biggest thing right now is that we are studying abroad together for three months. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's HELL. When we fight, there is no longer any other way of escape. All of this time together is making us fight constantly. For some reason, we do not trust each other. We always think that the other person secretly likes someone else and I don't understand why. I have a problem trusting him (because of some online video-game related issues a year ago) and I can't seem to get over it. I cannot explain or understand this underlying feeling that I have to not trust him. He has lied to me in the past, but not anything major recently.
Another one of the hardest things between us is that I feel like we are on different levels of maturity. I have had a job since I was 16, I have lived by myself in dorms, and I have not relied on my parents for basic things like food and clothes. He has never had a job and has always lived with his mom and dad(until now-studying abroad). He seems very far from being able to be independent to me. I hate this because sometimes I feel like his mom, especially now that we are alone in another country.
Also, I do not know why, but I just have not been in the mood for sex during this trip. I just don't want to be sexual right now. I want to focus on this new country and our studies, but the lack of intimacy is frustrating to him. Even whenever he makes a pervy comment or something, instead of amusing me, it just frustrates me. I do not know why I do not feel sexually motivated, but I just don't.
I think one of the problems is that we got together before I had offically ended my relationship with my previous boyfriend. During that time, we were irrestible to each other. We never had enough time. Are we just growing apart or is this something we should work through? I have a lot of respect for him because we have similar values. Neither one of us has ever smoke, drank, or done drugs (which is rare for our generation and where we live). I especially love the fact that he does not look at porn. Again, sometimes I have trust issues and question him on this, but nothing has ever contradicted his innocence. Are these similar values worth staying with him, even if we argue everyday?
We are nicer to strangers than to each other, and to me, that is completely messed up. I do not know why so many little things about him frustrate me (like, his instantaneous forgetting of information, his inability to laugh or make jokes about himself, his violent defense if I make a joke about something he is vulnerable about). However, I cannot help but think that there are probably very very few guys left my age who have that same innocence that he does. Is it worth staying with him, even if we fight constantly? Or does the innocence make it harder on us?
It doesn't matter how many times we fight though, after a few hours I always want to be back with him, no matter what words were said (and we've said some pretty nasty things to each other). Sometimes I am so sure that I want to move on, but then, I am alone and just want to go back to his comfort.
Please help me figure out what to do with this relationship.
Answer Hi. At your age it is very common for couples to grow apart. There is usually a difference in the level of maturity, as you put it, and because you have been independent it is hard for you to admire and respect him like is really needed.
I think that you are backing off sexually because you are instinctively aware that you really are growing apart and that it is not working very well. Besides that, it is so much better to not have sex until you are ready for a lifetime commitment, and until you are really sure that your personalities are compatible and that this is a permanent relationship. Otherwise, it means you will be having sex with quite a few guys because most people have 6 or 8 relationships before they marry.
Relationships get too serious and too heavy during a time when your mind wants to explore life and explore your options and when the kind of life you want is still forming. A guy you want at 19 is usually way different than a guy you want at 25, which is about the age when a lot of your ideas and lifestyle ideas are formed.
So, I think you should really take stock of this whole thing. It seems to me that you both need to be free to do some more learning and exploring life and just being young and carefree instead of so involved in one person. All this fighting is not a good sign, it shows that you each are growing and struggling to find self.
Otherwise, someone needs to stop the fighting. It takes two people to fight. Fighting comes from two people wanting their own way, or one person trying to change the other person. It comes from not listening. One person needs to stop and ask questions rather than reacting and then really listening to what the other person is saying without judgment of any kind. Most people fight because they feel the other person is not listening and understanding, or they understand but just do not want to change.
I think if you stopped fighting then you would more easily see what there really is to the relationship and what the differences are. Fighting is sometimes a way of feeling that there really is a relationship, when there really isn't much of one behind it all.
Well, I have rambled a bit but I do hope it helps you to clarify your thinking so that you can make a choice here. Listening and having an attitude of solving the problem, instead of just fighting for your side of the argument is the key to stopping the fighting. You might start there and then see where it goes, but I sure would not risk sex when this relationship is in such an upheaval.
Go inside and ask yourself what it is you really really want. If it is to change him then this will not work. Find out what that is, and then you will know what to do.
