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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > Please help
Expert: Kindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger - 10/27/2009
Question
QUESTION: My girlfriend recently wanted a break from our relationship. It lasted 8 months and now we've been back together for a little over a month now and I'm having trouble trusting her when she hangs out with guys. Actually its just one guy, a friend she watches movies with or eats or whatever. The trust is a seperate issue but I'm wondering, now that we're back together should I meet the guy? I mean, in a relationship do you normally have seperate friends that the other doesn't know at all? Or do your friends become "our" friends. Not like I would hang out with him alone or anything but should iat least know him and maybe hang out all of us together or what? I'm confused. I would appreciate your advice. Thank you for reading.
ANSWER: Dear Joshua,
The fact that your girl friend wanted a break for a lengthy period of time would understandably raise questions for you. I think you should just be honest with her and tell her you aren't sure how to handle this. I had a number of men friends when I started dating my husband and I introduced them as it was convenient. As we got more serious, it just became known that my life had changed. My old friends became our friends and my "hang out together because we're single friends" moved on. I don't know for sure what to recommend to you, other than an open honest discussion with your girl friend and tell her you just don't know what you are supposed to do or feel. How does she want you to handle it? Then when she gives you her answer, you can decide if it's something you want to deal with or just move on and go your separate ways.
I hope this gets sorted out for you. I think you need to remember, you are supposed to feel comfortable in a relationship, and if you don't, you don't have to stay.
Kind Regards,
KD Liz
www.eingedi.us
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for answering my question. I was pleased with your answer so I thought if you wouldn't mind I would askanother. You know when people are together for lengthy relationships the physical part diminishes over timeuntil you figure out a way to reignite the spark you once had? Well we hardly do anything, I try to kiss her and when I do I try to put passion and want and feelings into it and I just feel nothing coming back. I try to have slow, deep kissing and she gives pecks, maybe 4 or 5 then she's done. In the movies when 2 people in love start kissing and can't stop and it leads to sex, that is so insanely rare and when it happens the sex feels like she's doing it just so I'll leave her alone for a little while. I bought a 3 pack of condoms almost 3 months ago and I still have 1 left. And we live together alone so there's no distractions. We should have more intimate time. And when I research it all I get is, how to re-ignite that old spark and, get her going like when you were young. The problem is that we've never had a time where we had a lot of sex or intimacy. At most maybe was once a week. So I don't know what to do. The sex isn't everything to me but that's a big part to me of feeling connected and showing love, especially in the deep kissing. I don't know what to do. If you could offer your advice once again it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.
Answer
Dear Joshua,
This could be part of the problem. I never recommend pre-marital sex. It always lacks a commitment from one or both parties. As for the passion diminishing, yes it does with time, but most healthy relationships still have a passion in them, even if it isn't outright sex. My husband and I neither one have a shared passion, but we are married and committed to that, totally faithful, and we allow each other space for our individual interests, therefore here I am. If you are not married, she spends time with other men and your intimacy is not satisfying, and you've spent most of '09 broken up, I think you really should consider dating again. This doesn't sound like a positive exclusive relationship at all. That's how I see it from where I am at this point in life. Relatively speaking, you're young, you've got your life ahead of you and you're entitled to want to share it with someone that shares your interests and passions.
I truly wish you well and hope you find happiness, but I think you're going to have to look beyond the present relationship.
KD
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