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About Leon Scott Baxter
Expertise
I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience
I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications
Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials
Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors
KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > keeping it alive
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter - 10/29/2009
Question
QUESTION: Hey there I need some help. Me and my partner have been through some really rough patches recently and have broken up three times now. We got back together yesterday and I want to know how I can silence these little black thoughts in my head telling me it (the relationahip) can't work.
We were together initally for about 20 months and it was going well but recently I had been thinking that it couldn't work. I always had these niggling doubts but before recently I managed to keep them in the back of my head. My partner is funny and very very beautiful and the sex even now is still amazing. We are trying to cut down on the texting (about 200 a day at it's nadir) and to call each other a little more (so you know I am 20 and she is 18)
I want to try I want to try and see if there is still something there because I still care about her. Whether I LOVE her is a different matter but since this is my first relationship I don't know. I really want to try and make this work, please help!
Kind Regards
Byron
ANSWER: Hello Byron,
Why have you two broken up? And, why have you returned? What are these black thoughts you are thinking? What exactly are you afraid of? Why do you think this can't work?
Sorry for all of the questions, but they are important. Let me offer you a couple of links while you ponder my questions. The first is about what happens to relationships 6 to 18 months into them (your made it a full 20)...http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_10_fades.php.
Also,you seemed to doubt if you were in love. This tells you what love is, in case you were wondering (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/whatlove.php).
And, finally, take it easy on the calls and texts. I usually tell couples that communication is key, but you two need to have your own lives, too. Cut the umbilical cord and save some things to tell each other when you get together face-to-face.
Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for the response! With regards to your questions is suppose...
I broke up with her because I thought that things had become stale and that it couldn't work
I have gone back because though a month after I still have feelings for her and I want to see where they can go (I still get butterflies just meeting her)
The black thoughts in my head are just a little voice telling me that it can't work and it won't work things like that
I guess Im afraid that it'll fail eventually
And I'm not sure why it can't work I suppose, hope that helps
Kind Regards
Byron
ANSWER: Hello again, Byron,
So, first, now you understand why you might have had those feelings of your relationship betting stale. If you read that report I linked for you, you see that it's very common. It's obviously that your feelings for her are very strong. Other than the staleness, you've offered no valid reason for your fear that this relationship won't work.
That leads me to believe that something in your past is leading you to expect failure in this relationship. Usually that means that you have either had trouble in this relationship (which it doesn't seem to be), have had less than successful experiences in past relationships, maybe even ending in a traumatic break, that you witnessed people close to you (like parents) live in a failing relationship, or that you had a dysfunctional relationship with your parents yourself.
If there are bigger than life issues here, you may need to get over them to allow any relationship to work for you. If not, or while you are waiting to get things worked out, you need to remind yourself that this relationship is not any other relationship. You can't compare it to any other. Try to enjoy what you have and keep reminding yourself to. Also, go back to that link and work on getting the excitement back into your relationship. You ca also sign up for my free monthly newsletter (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/register.php) and check out my daily romance tip every 24 hours (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/daily_tip.php).
I hope that helps some. Good luck.
Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you. I believe I may well be expecting it to fail. You see this is my first long term relationship, all my others have lasted no more than 3 weeks (about 7 relationships all told). I have been dumped very viciously by women, by text or other people, but I have been a womaniser myself in the past. One girl seeking to get attention, called rape on me (a charge subsequently thrown out by the courts) and I feel it may be affecting me.
I have cheated on my partner before also, we were together for a month prior to our 20 months relationship and I cheated on her (full sex) I felt so guilty I had to break it up, when we got back together 2 months later I explained to her and was truly truly sorry (I still am).
Thank you so much for your help though I have read your website and will try to 52 week challenge you mentioned to keep things fresh Thank you so so much!
Kind Regards
Byron
Answer
Hello again, Byron,
You don't expect this relationship to last.. and it is. So, subconsciously (or consciously) you are sabotaging it. Sounds like moving into this serious relationship scares you. Your past relationships last a few weeks. You've cheated on this girl. She's beautiful. you care about her. the sex is great. So, what logical reason would you cheat?... There is no logical reason!
You are scared, and when we are scared, often logic is thrown out the window. Why are you scared, Byron? I know you care about her. I know you want this to work. But, I also know you expect it to fail and you are helping that expectation become a reality.
Dig a bit deeper and tell me why. Because, if you can't locate the reason, you may be destined to sabotage relationships forever.
Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com
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