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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > moving past a bad 7 years
Expert: Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT - 10/29/2009
Question
Me and my husband have been married for 7 years. We married young (21) and we didn't really have a solid relationship when we did. We now have 3 kids. Our marriage has been hard. He is in the army and we have had to spend a lot of time apart. He was also in Iraq for a year. All through our marriage my husband has had "crushes" on a lot of different women. We have fought and fought about this, but he would say that i was being insecure blah blah. Well he recently got in trouble at work for viewing porn on his work computer. And a lot of stuff has been coming out. He says he is addicted to porn, and that he has always liked another woman. (8 different women in total) He says no sex, but I do not believe him. It's been 1 month since this has all come out. And I want to stay married, and so does he, but I don't feel like he is trying enough. He said he would unlock his computer, and he hasn't. He isn't doing extra things to be nice, or loving. He's actually stopped doing the basic things too, like taking out that trash or cleaning up after himself. He says he's sorry, but he's not showing me he's sorry. I feel so betrayed by him. I mean our whole marriage he's not just been mine. I need to add that he says that he has never felt special to me. I hear that. And to some degree I agree. But I strongly feel that he hasn't been easy to be with. Iraq really hurt him. And I also believe that I have given him my all. Anyway, my question is this, how do I get over this, when I don't feel my husband loves me enough to try hard. That's what I need from him. I need him to "prove" to me, that he thinks I'm worth fighting for. By the way, I've told him all of this, and his response is that him doing all the little things I want him to do is only a band aid, and that he's not going to jump through hoops. I do not want him to jump through hoops. All I want from him is something. Anything really. Advice Please!!
Answer
Hi Heather, I am glad you are reaching out. It sounds like you have been holding down the fort and doing what it takes -- Your motivation is wonderful! I do a lot of work with Ceridian EAP and Military One working with military personnel. These issues come up frequently and I cannot begin to imagine how deploying and dealing with all that impacts us. Furthermore, to generalize here, we guys do not do the best job sharing our feelings to begin with. Military personnel are encouraged to just cope and not feel. I appreciate how feeling one's emotions in dangerous conditions won't help the military conflicts. However, all this does is reinforce the idea that we should suck it up, not feel and just take care of business -- this is not realistic though! He may not realize exactly how his experiences have impacted him and the relationship.
Please reach out for counseling the military offers. You and he are entitled to it. It sounds like he can really benefit from a SA group to help him deal with the sexual component (urges) and so forth. Hopefully, he is willing to join you in couple's sessions. If, for whatever reason, he does not immediately go, please start yourself. Show him how important this is, while you get that support as well. You have been through a lot and I am glad you have not given up. Good luck!
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