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About Leon Scott Baxter
Expertise
I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience
I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications
Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials
Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors
KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > Getting past relationship mistakes
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter - 10/25/2009
Question
Hi,
My boy friend and I have been together for about 3 years now. The first 2 and a half of it were long distance. He lived on the west coast and I lived on the east coast. We met when I was living on the west coast and after 3 months of dating I moved across the country for work purposes. We maintained our relationship with some ups and downs for the next couple years with bi monthly visits to each other and phone contact everyday. He eventually moved in with me as an opportunity to advance his career and end the long distance thing. We both have plans of moving back to the west coast when my commitment in my current location is over. To continue the lack of normality, he works a job that requires 24 hour shifts. He works extra to get the overtime pay and told me repeatedly that he would be working alot and that he wouldn't be around all the time.
Because of the abnormality of our relationship, pretty much from the beginning, we've had a few rough spots. Add that on to the fact that for the first time we are in each others space and this is the first committed relationship for both of us. I've recognized that yeah, some things in the past could have been handled better, but how do we move on and is it possible to leave these things in the past and go forward with a stronger relationship. I know what I need to do to stop sabotaging my relationship, but I am having a hard time implemening the plan. I've tried talking to him, but when all you are doing is talking about your problems and not actually fixing them, it becomes a drain and I begin to push him away. This leads to a chain reaction of him not wanting to come home becuase there is an emotional drain on both of us. I guess, what my question is, is how do I feel comfortable in my relationship without always having to have verbal validation from my boyfriend. For the most part, he is considerate, affectionate and loving and tells me that he loves me. He never really compliments me now, but he did alot when we were first dating, is this something that normally fades away? He works all the time which is affecting his libido and as a result making me feel more insecure. When I've talked to him about it, he says he's tired and depressed (he doens't like living in the geographical location we are in and is homesick) and his idea of physical affection is cuddling while we nap, which I'm fine with.
Before we began our relationship, I was never co-dependant and I feel like I've become that way. I know that to make myself less crazy about his work hours, I need to keep myself busy and do things more independently. I'm trying to regain my independence and sense of self but I find myself talking about it more than just doing it. Is it better to just do it and not talk about my every move for improvment with my boyfriend? I know that was one of the things that he liked about me, was my independence, and I don't know where it went in the past year. Is it possible to change a bad behavior or habit to make things better and if so, is it possible to forgive and forget previous situations that were mishandled?
Answer
Hello Marie,
First I would suggest you two learn a bit more about what "love" means to the other. If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages", it's a great book, easy read, filled with activities for couples. To get a feeling of what it is and how it can help, have the two of you take this short quiz (http://stuartheights.org/lovetest.asp). This might help him better understand that you need compliments, while it may help explain his need for cuddling.
Yes, instead of dwelling upon what is wrong, start to work on what is right. Harping on the negative just brings you down. Start working on the relationship, by going out when you can, and being spontaneous. If you can take some time for a getaway or even a day at an amusement park, do it, for goodness sake.
As for you, get out there and find that Marie from yesteryear, the one who was independent and a go-getter. She's still in there, but may just be buried among your boyfriend's depression. Don't get sucked in. Bring him out. And, one way to do that is by being the bright point in the relationship. Start getting out there and finding yourself again, and let him see this. Don't rub it in, but give him the opportunity to follow suit.
And, yes, you can change a bad behavior and even forgive mishandled situations. The forgetting part can be a bit difficult, though. But, time heals all wounds.
Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com
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