Question I am having trouble with my relationship. I cureently don't feel happy but i do not want to end the relationshi because i love him. Lately i don't feel like he appreciates me. When we sleep together he completly has his back to me and doesn't care that he gets to wake up to me. We are in college, and live close. He isn't getting along with his roomate so he is moving to a whole different place. I don't understand why he wouldnt want to stay where he is at and just get a different room. It's like he didn't consider me at all. Before we even were dating we talked about how stupid people were to drink and stuff and we would be the people in college to not do that and it would be like a little club. Just last night he wanted to go out with his friends who were obviously going to a party. Before if i was just hanging withfriends and one of them just started leisurly drinking he would be so pissed at me. He talked to several of his friends to see if he should go out. They said he should go out and drink whether i go or not. I was so upset when i heard this. It's like he's changing into this whole different person. He came to my room and i was like i will go but if you drink i'm going to have to evaluate our relationship. He said he doesn't want me to control him. I don't feel i am. I never said don't go. I said you can do whatever you want i have never told you to not do something. So i currently am very un happy and do not now what to do. One of the huge reasons i liked him was because we had similar values esp when it came to drinking. BUt apparently the whole reason why he was against drinking is because of getting busted. but he says in college it is less likely.
i am so so angry and unhappy. I was like do you want to make this relationship work or not? and he was like thats up to you.
he is being very stubborn.
Answer Hi there! I am so sorry for your struggles here. It does sound most confusing, like he is pushing you away. Perhaps his friends are influencing him, and he may subconsciously want this, knowing the effect it will have on him (i.e., he is ok with their influence). As you share, it would seem that he is reacting to what he may sense as control so he is choosing to rebel against it. I would indeed also wonder if some of his reactions are a way to push you away. He may think if he does enough of this stuff, you will be upset enough to end it with him. It sounds like the drinking may be your make it or break it issue to do just that.
I would just want the truth. So I might start a conversation by noting his feelings of being controlled and how this is not your intent. I might say how confused I am right now and not sure what he wants. You might add how much you care about him and how you know he does care about you too and if he is not ready or if there are differences about the drinking (and his hopes/plans to do so), ask him to please share these. Go into the conversation calm and do not get bogged down in disagreements. First, just find out where he stands and what he wants. You will have plenty of time to decide what comes next. Stuart
