Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Question QUESTION: Okay. So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. When we first got together, he called me all the time and he always cried when we got in fights,. He always wanted to see me. He touched me all the time...and gave me chills and butterflies. If i cried, he done everything he could to make me feel better. Now, He hides his phone from me, and tells me he will call me and never does. We fight constantly. we have taken several breaks and none of them have worked. When I try to talk about how I feel he says he doesn't have time for the "bullshit." If i cry, he asks me why I'm crying and tells me theres no reason to be crying. He tells me that I'm not appreciative, but I don't understand where he could get that from. I tell him thank you all the time. He never touches me anymore, but I try to do everything for him anyway. He is constantly hurting my feelings and I feel like the only time we are happy is when we have sex. I try to kill his anger with kindness but it doesn't work. and when ha hurts my feelings he tries to butter it all up and expect me to talk to him after he hurt me. I'm just so stressed and I'm to the point of saying its over. I feel like I'm the only one trying. He is just being so blind. Could you tell me what I'm doing wrong or what I can do to make it better. He tells me that He misses the girl he fell in love with, but I'm still the same. Please help me. I love him and I really don't want to lose him.
ANSWER: Hello Brandi,
The problem is that people do not realize it takes around a year and a half to two years for you to get to know the real person. Everyone is usually on their best behavior at first, but that is not the real person. After awhile the real person comes out and then people want to go back to the person they first met. They think that the person they first met is the real person but it isn't--so there is no way to go back.
Women make the mistake of giving their whole soul and body to a guy before they really know who he is and if they are compatible and you are right, the only time there seems to be closeness is during sex but that is not the real relationship.
it looks to me like the real guy is not a very nice person. If he will not listen to your hurts and does not try to make you feel better. He also has made the mistake of thinking that the real person was the girl he first met.
There is nothing you are doing wrong except that you probably have given your heart and body to him much too soon before a solid relationship was established. If you hadn't had sex with him it probably would have become obvious that you were not compatible.
It is hard to say if you can salvage this or not. It really does not sound like it, but I don't think I can give you enough information in just one letter but you would need a few months of coaching to work on things.
First of all, you need to back off and quite contacting him completely. Let him contact you, or don't talk to him at all. Secondly, if he starts to get verbally abusive with you tell him that you not longer will listen to him talk mean to you and so you are going to hang up and if he wants to talk nice to you he can call again. Tell him that you will be happy to talk about any problems and work them out as long as you both can talk nice to each other. Then just keep hanging up on him when he talks mean to you by saying the same thing.
Then, if he is still around, start suggesting (after HE calls) that you go do something fun together. Suggest a movie or something else you both like to do. Then go out and do not talk about your problems but just have fun. I would stop sex of any kind and tell him that you need to establish being friends first, and establish ways to communicate that are good for both of you.
I think women are crazy to have sex with a guy before marriage, or at least until they know they will make a good couple and both good parents and are ready to take on the responsibility of a family. The divorce rate is lower in couples who wait, by the way, because they have to learn how to get along and establish a solid foundation before they have sex and really give themselves to each other fully.
Anyway, I think if you do this that you will soon see if there really is any kind of a relationship there. If he won't do it, and keeps talking mean to you, then you really do not have any kind of solid relationship to build on and should move on. For awhile, you should just go out and have fun and not worry about the serious stuff to see if you can have a good time together and if you are compatible.
True love usually builds gradually and gets deeper. It flows easily, only having to work out a few kinks here and there. If there are lots of problems then it really shows you are not very compatible.
I do hope this helps. There is much more, but can't do it all in one or two letters. You must stop fighting and start listening to each other. Each one is fighting for their own way and that doesn't work. Hopefully by taking off the pressure and just doing fun things, you can establish a more solid relationship.
Sharon Crandall
www.personalityconsultant.com
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QUESTION: Could we go through coaching if we do follow ups? I really want to this to work out. So the first thing I need to do is not call him?
Answer Hi. Yes, do not call and let him call you. Then suggest that you date as friends so that the pressure will be off to do more, then follow things I said. Be cheerful and not all sad when you talk to him. Be upbeat and offer this suggestion in a very positive way.
As to coaching. That is how I make my living and so I usually do only one or two letters here, unless someone wants to pay for coaching. Some do. I can be contacted through my website. www.personalityconsultant.com for more information on that. Otherwise, I can do one followup after this letter.
