Expert: Sharon Crandall - 10/8/2009

Question
Theres a girl i met at college orientation and we talked a bit over the summer but once we met back up at the start of the semester. when we first ran into each other, we hugged and i said i'll see you later, and she said Wait, i dont have your number. We hung out that night and got to know each other and hit it off better than I ever have with any other girl. She showed all the signs she liked me: looking right into my eyes, flirty,  constantly laughing, telling me all about herself, like personal stuff and this was on the first night we were hanging out. We did the same thing the next night, we just sat outside and talked for like 3 hours and we went up to her room but didnt do anything since her roommate was there but we still had fun. Over time, we still hung out but couldnt really do so that often. Then, one night after we ate at the dining hall, where she texted me to go, as we were walking back, we saw two people we knew and she said to me, "those two just started a relationship, isnt that nice?" so i figured this was a sure sign. I asked her out to dinner off campus and she said, "yeah!" but hte next day, when i asked where she wanted to go, she said it didnt matter but was wondering whether this was just a friendly date or something more. So i told her more or less what i wanted and she said she liked me but wasnt ready for a relationship. She said she just got over something that summer and we're both freshman in a big city, so i honestly think its a legitimate excuse. Things kinda got awkward for like 2 weeks, but we were eating breakfast one morning and she said she was going to a 5k that day which i was going to as well, and another girl had asked me to go to it with her. So we did, and when i saw the girl i met at orientation and she saw me with another girl, she at first started acting really laughy (more than usual) then the girl i went with couldnt get a tshirt so i coyly told the lady my shirt size was a womans small and gave it to the girl who asked me to go and the girl i met at orientation saw me do it and looked really distraught and sad. The next time I saw her (We have 1 class together, twice a week), she dressed nicer than she usually does and played with her hair a lot and like pushed out her chest, like sat up supine to show off. Now, we've started talking better again, like more fluent, unawkward and having some fun with it. Like she'll ask more personal questions other than how i'm doing, like thigns relevant to my life and I always return the favor. Also she seems genuinely happy to see me, her face seems to light up and she like accidently bumps into me with her feet and she always leans against the wall and points her feet right towards me , but I want to ask her to a concert of a band we both like, is this a good idea, or should I wait some more (I mean ive given her aout a month of space and time to get to know me) and its not like im asking to have sex with her. please help


Answer
Dear Ryan,

I am not sure what it means to start a relationship.  If it means having sex then I can't recommend that. It takes a long time to get to know someone and sex always fools you into thinking you have a very close and loving relationship when you really do not even know one another.

I recommend you ask her to the concert. It seems obvious that she wants to go out with you. I would seriously think about being friends for a time before you become exclusive. Too much, too soon often kills a relationship.  

I believe that a person should have courage and ask questions so that you can understand each others' beliefs right away.  When you are with her ask her, "May I ask you a question?" What do you think about people our age going together on an exclusive basis right away?  Do you think it is a good idea or a better idea to go together more like friends for awhile in order to establish a friendship first?"  

My advice is to date her and not just "hang out." When you hang out it really is not dating and it usually leads to sex too soon. Relationship do better when there is a period of dating where you go out and do fun things together and get to know each others' personalities to see if you really are compatible or not.

I would be honest.  Tell her that you want to date her but not exclusively, if that is what you want.  If you want to be exclusive I would not ask her to do that right away but give it at least some time before you ask her to be exclusive.  

I think you are on pretty sure ground to ask her out.  She seems to be responsive to you so what have you got to lose?

I do wish you the best.  Feel free to respond again with more info and questions.  Hope this helps.

Sharon Crandall
www.personalityconsultant.com