Expert: Leon Scott Baxter: - 10/26/2009

Question
I have been in an exclusive relationship with this woman from day two of meeting her, we were together 5 months before it got weird. We hit it off instantly and began having rock star sex since our second date. It has all been very passionate and we enjoyed each others company immensely. We have gone for dinners, social events, holidays,hang out time at home, everything anyone would do when dating, we even met each others families. I am 50, she is 47. I started staying over 3-4 nights a week at her request and kept some things there as well.

Then it started, she said she wanted me take my things home after about a month. She said she felt uncomfortable that I had semi moved in,I didn't complain and said no worries. Then she didn't want me staying over as much, I didn't complain. I felt she was having some issues of her own and really didn't take it personally.

All this time we still had lots of fun and great sex. Then she said she needed a break, again I agreed with her and asked her on what terms. She said she just wanted to see me once or twice a week but not always staying over.She wanted to stay exclusive though. Again I agreed saying that I did at least expect her to make time for me once a week and call once in a while. She agreed. I called to plan a date with her and she was real stand offish, I did get her to agree to a date though, it was a weird one, we had a big discussion on life that night and then made fabulous love all night. The next time I called for a date she again made it difficult but agreed to the Saturday. we went for dinner which was awkward and on the way home she was real quiet and real cold. She asked me not to stay over. I asked her why and she just said because thats what she wanted. I said she was being flakey however didn't argue with her and went home. The next morning we met up and she said she wanted to break it off. I said that was a good idea and made my self disappear for 3 weeks, no calls, no contact. She meet up with me one day while I was working and looked real sad, but happy to see me. we made small talk and hugged and she gave me a big kiss when I told her I had to get back to work. I asked if she would like together and she said that would be great.

We met for breakfast about 3 days later. We had a nice visit, laughed and kept it light hearted and talked about old times and how good it was, so I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she didn't know. I said I would like to see her occasionally. She said she didn't think I went out with ex girlfriends again, she said she would like to though , however she didn't think our lives would mesh and she didn't know what to do about it. She said she needed to think about it more. She did agree to see me again in a week or two when I returned from a work trip.

Could you tell me what is going on? I am real confused and don't know what to do next. I haven't talked to her since that meet. I feel it best if I stay scarce for now.


Answer
Hello Peter,

Two things come to mind. Here's the first. Could it be that she feels as though you just want her sexually? Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that you are only after her sexually, but could she have had past experiences that may make her feel guilty about all that "wonderful sex" you were having, and after it's over she plays it over in her head and creates a scenario where she sees the relationship revolving around sex. Hence, she moves you out, has you sleep over less, and even avoids you to some degree because she knows your time together will end in bed. I don't know, but that's the first thing the popped into my head.

the second was her past relationships. Can I assume that she has been married or has had a serious long-term relationship before? If so, it could be that she is just scared to death to commit like she had before, afraid to take the same kind of risk that caused her pain in the past. Everything is going swell, then as she starts to feel as though things are getting serious, she backs away and eventually out of the relationship completely. That really does sound like she may be gun-shy.

Do you know much about her relationship past and sexual past? I think that if either of these issues are the culprits, you need to address them with her and she needs to get through them before she can fully commit to you.

If you want to offer me more insight, feel free and I will try to advise.


Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com