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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > Found out husband cheated while engaged
Expert: Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT - 11/4/2009
Question
Hi
I'm feeling a little lost. Two weeks AFTER my wedding I found out that my husband cheated on me while we were engaged. We were long-distance for most of our relationship and he slept with this girl three times while she was visiting as a tourist. My husband pushed for us to get engaged which we did after 6 months of meeting. He cheated on me about a month after that, and we got married 10 months after that.
I found out when I looked through his emails, because I was annoyed that he had been snooping around mine - but I never expected to find anything like that. He denied everything but fortunately I got in touch with this girl who told me everything. He eventually admitted it and said sorry but there were a lot of lies along the way. I believe they never intended to meet again and it was a 'fling'. He says he wanted to sleep with someone else a final time before getting married - something I'm finding hard to accept because it's so stupid and inconsiderate.
I'm sure you can imagine it was a really tough time - I thought I'd married the love of my life then found out he cheated on me. He said he had wanted to tell me, and to his credit I do remember two times before our wedding when he wanted to tell me something really serious but couldn't get the words out. But the bottom line is he didn't tell me.
I've been trying to get on with things but it keeps coming back to me. We've just had our one year anniversary and I had requested to him at least 6 months ago that we do something special because I don't want to remember finding out that he cheated on me just after our wedding, but to make some new memories for future anniversaries. I explained that it was really important to me because he had cheated on me. But he did absolutely nothing in preparation. He had talked about going on holiday but did nothing towards it and didn't even save any money. We ended up going away for a couple of nights after I reluctantly organised everything because he obviously wasn't going to. It was really disappointing after I was looking forward to a holiday.
After finding that he'd been watching porn the night before our anniversary (another thing I have asked him not to do because it upsets me, especially as he has cheated on me) I spent most of our trip away really upset, particularly as he had made no effort when I had asked him to. We spent most of it arguing but fortunately managed to enjoy some of it.
I feel like he is making no effort to 'make it up to me' despite having a huge opportunity to do so. I don't feel that he is encouraging me to forgive him - and I wonder if I ever will. He prefers the 'ignore it and it will go away' way of dealing with things but it really does not work.
On top of that we have money issues in that his always runs out and I have to cover him. For example he left his job without agreeing it with me to 'decorate the house' but had nothing saved so I had to pay our first mortgage instalment - I just find him really irresponsible with money. He doesn't realise that he always assumes I will bail him out. He never has anything saved. It's a pattern that I can see now.
I love him as a person and he has many great qualities but I'm starting to feel that love is not enough for a marriage, you need trust and unfortunately money to do the basics and fun things in life. I stuck out the last year mainly as we had already married and I felt I should give him a chance. And the shame of divorcing someone I had just married after a whirlwind romance and arguing with my family about it. I'm quite sure I wouldn't have married him if I found out he'd cheated on me while we were engaged. If he'd told me then who knows? At least I could have known that he would tell me the truth.
I also feel a bit stupid for getting married quickly and believing everything he'd said like he would always take care of me, take me on holidays and never hurt me - all that gushy crap, when actually he knowingly hurt me and it's me who's taking care of us financially more than him. I was so gullible. On a day to day basis he is lovely and we are happy, but in the longrun I'm not sure it's enough.
I guess my question is, do I try to forgive him and have a happy marriage, or really make plans to leave? I don't really feel ready to leave yet - it's not like he is abusive or anything, and I think in an ideal life we could be happy together... but there is a part of me that is always wondering about the stability he can offer me and obviously if I can trust him again.
Thanks
S
Do I just accept the past and keep trying to get on with it? Or where do I draw the line if I want to leave him? I don't feel ready to leave, but I'm fed up of being upset about this on a recurrent basis.
Answer
Wow S, I can only imagine what learning that information was like for you, especially since he continued to deny it. I can certainly appreciate how trust would be compromised. The fact that he has not made it up to so to speak is not the end of the world, as it may just be indicative of his own guilt and not wanting to keep thinking about it. I guess S, I would want to sit him down and calmly share how hurt you continue to feel and how you do not want to continue feeling this way. Ask him for his help with this as it is not fair (or comfortable) to either one of you. In this way, you are modeling to him how to own feelings and how to get his needs met.
I would want to know if he can truly appreciate how you feel. Again, calmly (without attacking) I would ask how he would have felt / reacted if the situation was reversed and you had been the one to cheat. My goal is not to attack him but to see if he can indeed relate and this would give me some sense of exactly how this has impacted him. He may truly be stuck S and not know how to best face it. This is where counseling may help, as you would not have to be the one to address these questions with him.
I can hear you beating yourself up to, when you reflect on the length of courtship and such. If the relationship is going to progress, that won't help you now. Let him know this may be uncomfortable to talk about but it is important right now and how valuable it can be to move past this. Ask him how he has been coping and if there are things you could be doing to enhance the bond. Again, he may benefit from counseling, even a few sessions, to discuss this. Good luck! Stuart
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