Expert: Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT - 11/6/2009

Question
I wrote to another allexpert person about two weeks ago about my problem, hopefully I can get a little advice this time.  I had previously written that I had been with my boyfriend for two and a half years and we were usually very loving to each other, sometimes we fight, but mostly, It's good enough that I don't want to lose it.  I said that I had a horrible feeling that everything was going to fall apart around me.  Well, it has.  I tried to walk on eggshells to make him happy, because I could read his body language and I knew he was getting tired of me.  I made him a pork roast last night and I cleaned the house, we were supposed to have his parents over, but they couldn't make it.  He was exhausted, so he fell right asleep in his chair.  When dinner was ready, I tried to wake him, and he got up, urinated, and fell back asleep.  He woke again two hours later mad that I didn't make him go to the dinner table.  This morning, he was still mad, and he kicked me out.  He said he's tired of me and that I'm a bitch.  I love him, but I just don't get it.  I don't know what I am doing wrong.  I called him a while ago, and he says its him, but I am still sitting in my car on the side of the road without a boyfriend, crying, trying to get my computer to tell me what I need to do with my life now. I don't know what to do.  I love him so much, he is the only person I have wanted to be with since I met him.  I just don't know why he got with me in the first place.  He is way more attractive than I am, and he is passionate and funny.  I don't feel like I am good enough to be with him.  I just kept trying to please him and make him happy, just so that I could stay with him, but I think he is not content with me.  

Answer
I am sorry Lisa.  This sounds like so much to be dealing with.  I too am confused as to what he may be experiencing.  The fact that he is not communicating specifics leads me to think he is somehow sabotaging the relationship.  I am wondering if he is depressed and struggling with whatever things he is dealing with when he says it's him.  That said, let's focus on you.  I like that you see his strengths but please don't discount yourself.  It sounds like you have offered some wonderful things to the relationship and yet I fear you may be blaming you.  

Who is taking care of Lisa?  Let's indeed focus on that.  Do you have somewhere to go (family, friends, etc.)?  let's enhance your support right now.  It would have been great to be discussing the communication issues in couples counseling but please start yourself.  In order for me to help (and be there for) anyone else, I have to be in the best position I can be emotionally.  You deserve it.  Stuart