Expert: Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT - 11/5/2009

Question
Hi,
This is going to sound so dumb so please bear with me.
I am recently divorced after being separated for 2 years (I'm 30).  I started 'seeing' a guy last July but he was still with his ex.  He told me he was ditching her so there was no need for me to worry.  In the September of 2008, he finally got around to ending it with her.  We had been seeing each other the whole time before this.  After he ended it with her, he didn't want to get into a relationship with me.  He said it was too soon and needed his space.  I was very disappointed but we started to hang out more.  Eventually this April, we got together officially.  We planned on moving to another city so he moved in with me in June  Once he moved in, I couldn't live with him.  He was lazy and was always in a bad mood.  I ended it and he moved out in August.  We didnt see much of each other after that but I missed him and wanted him back.  We started to talk again then I found out he took his ex to his brothers wedding this year.  Then they started to hang out more.  Then I found out from his mum that he was still seeing her in December last year!  He lied to me about that and now I can't trust him.  He says that I have to put the past behind me if this is to work.  There are a lot of things I like about him but if I can't trust him, should I cut my losses?  

I know the answer is probably so clear to anyone reading this but when you have strong feelings for someone, it's hard to see it clearly.

Thank you
Charlene  

Answer
Charlene, I appreciate your reaching out during this confusing time.  Clearly though, when it comes to feelings, this is not an easy decision.  I can only imagine how you must feel.  My concern here lies with him.  I do not think he truly (emotionally) separated from the ex -- he did not have the adequate amount of time to do so, especially since he was dating you.  As you note, "he finally got around to ending it with her," he has probably been unsure about what he wants all this time.  Seeing you provided a distraction from him having to think about and focus on all that with his ex.  His ongoing contact with the ex tells me this is not resolved.  I think he needs to figure out what he wants and I would give him the time and space to decide this.