AboutKathleen Nickerson, PhD Expertise Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am a licensed clinical psychologist with special training in couples counseling.
Experience I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MA - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
B - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors Please see my website for a complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
I have been with my boyfriend for6 years and we have lived together for 3 of those. We have been so happy. At least I thought we were. Just the occasional fight. Just earlier this week I found messages to nd from another woman stating how much he loves her and not me. That he can't wait to start a life wit her. He even called her baby. It really hurt. I confronted him about it and at first he thought I was crazy. Said he didn't write those messages but then I showed him the proof and his attitude completely changed. I could immediately see the guilt in his eyes. I asked why he did it and he said he didn't know. I asked him are you not happy with what we have and me? He said of course I am I don't know why I did it and I'm so sorry I never meant t
o hurt you. I told him it was over and I wasn't messin with someone like that. He immediately started to cry and begging me to stay. Swearing to never do it again. That he realizes his mistake and thay it was wrong. He said he wanted to work on it and even see a counselor. I have so many emotions running through my head and don't know what to do. I think I can forgive him but I don't know if I can trust him. I want to work on it. I do. What can we do to fix this.
Answer Hi Jennifer. Thanks so much for your question. I am really glad to hear you want to work on it; I do believe that any relationship can be made better. You mentioned a couple of things that are really important for moving forward...
You wrote, "Just earlier this week I found messages to nd from another woman stating how much he loves her and not me. That he can't wait to start a life wit her." Ok, that is a very hurtful thing to find and my hunch is made you wonder where you stand with him. This was a significant betrayal of your trust and he needs to know how much that hurt you. I'd recommend sitting down and talking about how his communication with her made you feel. Then you can ask him for what would make you feel better and what would let you heal from this: maybe it's that he doesn't talk to her anymore, that he changes his cell number, that he agrees to go to counseling. Up to you to decide.
You also wrote, "I asked him are you not happy with what we have and me? He said of course I am I don't know why I did it and I'm so sorry I never meant to hurt you." Based on this, it's really important to have a conversation together or with a couples therapist who can help you both understand what lead to this emotional affair. Usually, there is some negative pattern of behavior that a good therapist can help you identify and repair. It's really important to get to the root of why this happened so that you can both take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Right now, it's normal for you to have a lot of emotions running through your head. The best thing to do is to listen to yourself, make some notes on how you are feeling, and ask him for what you're really longing for. My hunch is that you're longing to understand why this happened and for some reassurance that it will never happen again, so please talk with him about this. Also, I highly recommend your picking up the book "Hold Me Tight" by Susan Johnson - it is the very best couples book on the market.
