AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Question QUESTION: Ok I want to try to describe my relationship first....
I am 17 and my boyfriend is 18. We have been together for 3 months and things have been really nice. He's my first non-longdistance relationship in 2 years and I am his first girlfriend in 3 years. We had an interesting beginning- I am shy and he is very shy.He told me he does not like to make out because he had a bad experience years ago with making out (tongues in mouth). Finally after a month and a half and nagging from our friends to kiss, he texted me and said "ok I think we should go to the movies Friday and have our first kiss.... I know it probably uncool and really stupid to talk about it beforehand but oh well." So we went on a date that Friday, and finally after the whole afternoon of being together and after the movies and taking me home, we are on my back porch and I ask if I can "have my first kiss now?" and he says yes and we kiss... a little stiff but hey we're both shy and a bit rusty. He talks to me Saturday night and says that he was glad it was dark out because he thinks he missed and was embarrassed lol. Of course I didn't notice cause I was in la la land after that kiss :) in a good way. But I told him I thought it was good and asked if from now on we can kiss whenever and he says yes. But here's the beginning of the problem. He won't kiss me again! So I figure its because he's scared of getting embarrassed again. So finally after another month! I kiss him before he gets on his but, and I whisper bye, because we are about to part. He quietly and sort of nervously replies, "oh ok bye." I think we had an awkward week after that because I don't know why, but I wasn't it a very good mood the whole week and I was sort of quiet. I couldn't shake the unhappy feeling, so I just smiled and talked to him quietly. This week was pretty good. It rained Monday and we spent lunch hour outside under this little roof just talking and playingly following eachother around. He smiles and looks at me like he likes me a lot, but not kiss, not hug, no nothing like that. The rest of the week is interesting. We usually sit in a group of friends outside, but this week while they are all sitting around with their boyfriends or girlfriends, we walk around and sit in different places. He starts joking, talking more about grandparents, parents, makes me listen to some of his favourite songs, and telling me his fears. I do the same and we have interesting conversations. He tells me of a fear that he says he has never told anyone because he was afraid they'd think he was weird. I don't want to make it sound like all this had just started, its been like this almost the whole time but just a lot lately. Anyway... When I talk he seems interested and almost lights up. But, lol, he stares at my mouth when I talk. It doesn't seem like he wants to kiss me because he starts talking so much it's like hes not even thinking about that. I feel like he is making me his best friend, but at the same time cares about me like his girlfriend. Umm... what other details can I share... It seems like he's really shy when I have my really shy days and vise versa. Excited when I'm excited... But we haven't been in a date in over a month. He's had to work every Friday for a month, and he lives out if town so it wouldn't be that easy to hang out on a school night. He mentioned a while back that we should go see this new movie, but I guess he's been to busy to ask me to actually go. And he won't text me anymore. I try to talk to him after school and on weekend by texting but he won't answer. i realize he isn't always attached to his phone but c'mon, sometimes right? But while no texting is happening, he is so happy around me at school. And once I asked what he had going through his mind when I'm around, and he said, "um I don't know what I am thinking but I am glad you are there with me." This was a while back though. 2 or 3 weeks ago my little cousin asked if he thought me and him would last-pretending to be me. He replied, "don't be mad or upset... and don't tell anybody... but I am not really sure that we will :'( " my cousin replied, " what? why" He then said, "but that does not me we shouldn't try" and then said, "well I didn't want to say yes and then jinx it." This left me confused once my cousin told me. Because, at first it seems like a solid "no we won't last" but then it sounds like he really is enjoying us and just doesn't want it to end, but its too soon to know if we'll last? geeze who knows. But this was 2 or 3 weeks ago mind you, before we started getting all buddy buddy with " I love you eyes." Not that I think he loves me, although I do him. I've been waiting for a date to tell him because it would be lame to tell him at school. So anyway. He jokingly calls me stubborn at times, lol, and points out what I do or say in a way that makes me feel unique, even if its silly teasing. I do the same to him. He's so nice to me. But the hugging and kissing isn't happening. So finally my question is... What is it that's going though his head or what's going on with him? And what should my next move be. I'm scared he's losing interest in me as a girlfriend and is just going for more friends. But the way he looks at me and pays attention. Is it just because he's nervous to be intimate? I'm not talking about sex (we don't have sex and I'm not ready and don't think he is, just to clear that up) Just hugging or kissing. Ok! I hope you can help and thank you for reading if you have. I hope to hear from you!
ANSWER: Hello Catie,
It sounds to me that he's just dealing right now at his level of comfort. You say that you are both shy, but I'm guessing he may even be a bit more reserved than you.
I don't second guess that he cares for you, but he seems to be really self-conscious about shows of affection. It could be lack of experience, a bad experience in the past, embarrassment, or even a lack of "know how".
I know three months seems like a significant amount of time, and it is in the realm of your relationship, but in the big picture, it's not much time. So, be patient with him. Allow him to come out of his shell at his pace.
One way to help is by being a bit more physical with him, without dwelling on the touches. So, grab his hand while you two are out and about, but don't do it in silence. And, don't talk about it. Talk about something else. Have a regular conversation. Swing his arm as you walk.
Rub his back while you two are sitting together with your friends or watching TV. The idea is to make physical touch something normal, something he won't fear. You could put your head on his shoulder, nuzzle the nape of his neck, scruff up his hair or even stroke it.
He probably will be a little uncomfortable at first, not knowing how to react, but you can show him or just let him figure it out. Eventually, he'll be more comfortable, and will hopefully get the nerve to reciprocate.
QUESTION: Hello again...
Well my boyfriend broke up with me Tuesday night and it is now Thursday afternoon...
His reason for breaking up was 1)my friends kept telling him he was an asshole for not doing stuff suck as kiss etc, and 2)because he is going to be working 5-6 days per week this summer and he doesn't think it will work. He told me this it isn't because of me at all, that he is so sorry, and he really wants to be friends. He also said, "I have never felt this way before but I feel really bad and I'm really emotional right now." when he was texting me after our break up.
So then our 'break up day' was awkward when we were with eachother because I made it awkward. I couldn't speak, I could barely look at him. He tried talking to me but I guess I made it a horrible experiance.
Now my friend asked him if he'd hang out with me after exams and he kept saying "I dont know." and " it will be really awkward and this may be selfish but I dont want that" and also "I would want other people there too but just for now". So idk, now summer is coming and I fear I wont get a chance to be his friend or ever get him back again. My mom told me to just focus on being a friend, and act really happy and sort of nonchalant about everything so he can feel better about us.I want him back so bad :(
Now I think he is really wantign to stay away from me because he saw me today and walked away. Well I think so. And I guess he just didnt know what to say or do
PLEASE help I want him back so badly
ANSWER: Hello again, Catie,
Here's the deal, if a person is truly connected to another, they will do whatever they can to stay in that relationship, even if they work 6 days a week. They don't want to lose what they have, because they look forward to that relationship when they get off work or when they have that one free day.
Think about couples where one is off in Iraq. They don't see each other for months at a time, but they hold on to that relationship, because that's what gets them through.
I have a feeling that there's more going on with his decision than just working too much.
After a break up, things can get pretty uncomfortable (as you've discovered). The reason is that you thought you knew this person, and then they slam you with the unexpected. And, you're thinking "Where did this come from? Do I even know this person? What about what they said last week? What did they REALLY mean?"
I think the best thing you can do is give this relationship some time and space. There is no guarantee that you two will get back together, but the odds become significantly better when you have time away from one another.
That doesn't mean avoid him, but it does mean not to seek each other out for a month or two. And, when you do come in contact with one another, I like the advice of your mom to focus on friendship first, but you shouldn't have to fake happiness. It's okay if you're not "up" every time he sees you. But, space away will let both of you see what life is like without the other as well as giving you time to reflect on what you need from a relationship versus what you want.
Build a friendship with him after you have gotten past the initial pain. You are allowed to talk about your past. You shouldn't avoid the topic that you once were a couple. Grow that friendship and see if it should move past it into a romance again.
QUESTION: I really love you helping me out, thanks a million :)
What do you think his reason is? He kept saying over and over, "it's not because if you at all." and how sorry he was. I wish I knew... would it be a bad idea to ask him what it really was since we're broken up and it's all ok?
And also... I know you said not to talk to him for like a month or so since we broke up. But when that month is over, can I text home and be friendly and ask about his summer? Or should I just wait for a chance to see him in person or soemthing... man it will suck not to talk
Answer Hello Catie,
I can only speculate why he's doing this. He's very shy, so maybe he has something he's keeping to himself and isn't comfortable sharing.
Could be he just isn't into this relationship, or that something about it is scaring him, or maybe friends are influencing him. It could be one of a thousand things.
It should be fine to shoot him a friendly text about the summer. And, if something comes up before that month, you don't have to avoid him. Small talk is appropriate if you bump into him.
This will be hard, but it's going to make you stronger. And, if this relationship ends up surviving, it will make the relationship stronger also.
