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Question Hello,
I am 24 years old, and my boyfriend is 25, we have been together for a 1 year and a half. We are both christians, and are in love with eachother, but we are having problems, we often clash/bumb heads because we are both strong minded. I am a very straight foward, tell it like it is person. While my boyfriend is the same, he is also set in his ways, and feels he can say whatever he wants to anybody. In the beginning of our relationship everything was great, he told me he was looking for a wife and if that is not what I'm looking for then I shouldnt date him. I thought that was a good thing, he believed in God and went to church, he was good looking, had a good job, responsible financially, funny, romantic,and etc... he was basically what I was praying for in a Husband. After 6 months he would tell me he thinks sometimes he thinks I am the one, and would ask me if I could see myself getting engaged to him and married, and I would tell him yes, because I really love him, and thats where I was hoping this relationship would end up. Mind you, I have never mentioned marriage in this relationship he would always bring it up and I would just give him my honest feelings. Well after several months in our relationship we began to argue about the little pettiest things, we would argue almost every month about something stupid, it was like if something wasnt done his way, it was wrong.He would tell me "he doesnt know" about our relationship and would leave our status up in the air until the next day and we would patch things up. In between all the arguing and the closer we got to a year he would say he would want to wait 2 and a half years before he would get engaged, then it went to three. He asked me earlier this year when we hit the 1 year mark if I would want to get engaged within 2 years and I told him yes, and he said thinks its too soon. So he ended up talking to me about it later that night and got mad and flipped out at me because I told him by 2 and a half years you should know if you want to Marry someone. I also stated that I would not wait around forever to get engaged. He basically took it as a ultimatum and assumed at exactly 2 and half three years if he doesnt propose I would just leave him, and he basically told me engagment is supposed to be a suprise and if I don't see a ring within 2 and a half years that I aint gonna just break up with him. I kinda agreed with him saying it should be a suprise and just stated thats what I would hope for, but that I wouldnt be waiting 4 and 5 years for someone. After this conversation I started feeling like he was stringing me along,so recently at the beginning of this year whenever he would do something to dis-respect me or something I really didnt like, I would break up with him. I had to break up with him at least 4 times and it wasnt even June yet. I know it was wrong, but I kinda felt if he is not gonna respect me or if I am not getting what I need out of the relationship then why stay in, but at the same time I really didn't want to break up with him, I just wanted him to act right. To make a long story short just last month we really sat down to talk because I told him I am not gonna be in a dead end relationship and that we need to work out our problems so this relationship could go somewhere, and we talked and sorted through all our problems. He said he would work on himself with the nitpicking, and etc.. and I would work on not breaking up so quickly, and my other problems. Now he says he wants to hold off for a while on the whole engagement thing, becasue he says all the breakin up I did with him, makes him think how am I gonna act if we have real problems in a engagement/marriage. Even though I re assured him that marriage is more serious than a boyfriend girlfriend relationship and I wouldn't do that. He still feels the same way, and just this week we had another stupid argument. Can you please tell me what is going on with this relationship, and what I can do to get it to go smoothly ,so we can improve and progress towards marriage. We really do love eachother.
THANK YOU
Answer Hello,
Love is never enough. That is why the divorce rate is so high. A good marriage must be based on being compatible and also on a couple being able to work together. It should grow naturally and not have to be forced so there is something quite wrong with this relationship and I think you know that already.
It needs a complete overhaul that cannot be handled in one or two letters. You need to learn how to communicate with him and how to acknowledge and speak your boundaries without getting into an argument. Once you learn how to acknowledge and speak your boundaries he might just take off as he seems quite controlling. Once a controlling person can't control any longer they usually leave the relationship but I can tell you that marrying him is not the answer as what you have right now will only get worse.
I don't even know where to start without some private coaching with you. You need to learn how to answer him when he nitpicks at you. If he is verbally abusive you need to take a timeout and tell him that when he can speak respectfully to you, you will come back in the room or see him again. You need to ask him what he means and tell you more in detail how he feels so that he feels you are listening to him and what he is trying to say. Then see if he is realistic in his expectations or if he is asking something way out of line. If he is asking something way out of line then you tell him thank you for his opinion but that he doesn't get to have that or he doesn't get to make that decision.
In other words, learn to listen and ask questions, rather than argue and then also tell him that you cannot listen to his criticisms and give him a chance to change what he said.
I would need a lot more information to give you any more specific advice.
There should be some books in the library on communication. See if you can find some. John Gray's books on relationships are pretty good. Dr. Laura Schlesingers books are also very good.
