Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Question I am 49. Over the past almost 3 years I have had a relationship with a man who had just separated from his wife (now divorced over 1˝ years). We had many, many ups and downs; 2 short term break-ups, several short term “take-a-breaks”, and a couple of his attempts to get back with his ex. All difficulties were related to him not getting over his ex-wife, though he loved me.
It really does seem like that phase is behind us now. He has had therapy, stopped all communications with her (no children), and we are finally able to talk about our future together and discuss me moving in with him. He tells me he loves me often.
I find myself in a position where I just don't feel really loved by him. It seriously is interfering in my life and our relationship, I think I need extra attention and romance, which I never really got enough of. It is obvious a great deal of my feelings must stem from the history of our relationship, I also feel a great deal of resentment due to what I have been through. What can I possible do to stop it from ruining our relationship? I love him. Every other aspect of our relationship is good. I just feel like I can't go on like this. I want to end it, but I don't want to make a foolish mistake. I think he is average when it comes to expressing his feelings, and I have tried to ask him for more, and he just does not comply. I feel this is a temporary situation and if he is not willing to give me that extra attention to make me believe he loves me then it just reinforces the notion that he really does not love me enough. It seems he is just not willing to expend the energy to save us. I find myself thinking he would not care if I disappeared sometimes, and other times I know that has got to be wrong. I know if I did feel loved, and secure I would have much more patience. What can I do?
Answer Dear Kristin,
There are a couple of things that could be happening. You could have the trait of Idealism which makes it very difficult to settle for less than the Ideal. However, with this trait you are usually unrealistic in your expectations and blind to reality. Until you learn to look at life from a reality standpoint you will not be happy--if this is the case. The thing is, that men show love differently than women and unfortunately, we get a lot of what we think is ideal from the movies. Looking at life with reality means accepting the kind of love the other person has to offer. If your expectations are unrealistic then you will never find a guy who is romantic enough for you.
Loving another person is a decision. You look at all their attributes and if that is what you want in your life then you go for it and you give what you need. You give lots of love and it usually returns to you but you can't give it only for that reason. You give love because it makes you happy.
If you are not too idealistic then you have chosen a guy who is just not compatible with you or you are not giving enough yourself in filling his needs so that he wants to return love to you.
Love is much more than romance. Love is going through life together and tackling problems together and having fun together and exploring life together.
I am only guessing from what you have given me, but my guess is that you will never be happy with anyone because in all relationships the romance wears off a bit and is replaced with a deeper companionship but if you have this picture of romance and "never get enough of it" then you probably will never find a guy like that. It may seem so at first, but then when it wears off, you will be back to square one. Many people go from one relationship to another seeking the first romantic thrill and then when it wears off they are on to the next person, thinking they fell out of love and so have to find that "true love".
Only you know if I have touched on the truth or not. I am sure your gut feelings will tell you if you are too idealistic or need to move on to someone more compatible. Feel free to respond with more info.
I hope this helps trigger what is really at a bottom of this.
