AboutManju Rakshit Expertise I can answer questions related to problems faced just after marriage, renewing the magic in an old marriage, how to stay married, and, on problems arising from interactions with in-laws. I cannot answer questions on pre-marriage problems or dating.
Experience I am happily married for the past 22 years, and the mother of a teenager. Also, I have experience in counselling my acquaintances, who have given me highly positive feedback on the solutions that I provided them.
Publications Bengali publications (magazines) and a self-help book written by me.
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Arts (BA), Bachelor of Education (BEd)
Awards and Honors Received numerous awards for fiction-writing and I am also a published author.
Question QUESTION: Dear Mam, I was defenitely looking for an indian perspective for the answer of my question and I'm lucky I found u on the very first page. :)
Now my question..........
My parents found a girl for me through newspaper matrimonial ads and I saw the girl after many months when they come to attend a marriage in my city. The girl is beautiful but little healthy. Thats defenitely no problem.
Now I'd like to know the nature of the girl before marrying her so I asked my mom to get the number of her and after getting that I called her. I talked her for abt one week and call durations increasing day by day until last day. I just put too much money in calls for this just one week.
Q-1. Did I did right thing? I told her after one week to call me back as my balance is low, but she keeps telling me the same thing that her balance is low too.. & keeps complaining me that i reduced calling her too much now.
She is just my age 24, 3-4 months difference in our age (she on + side). She is the youngest in her home with 3 more elder sisters married and an elder brother unmarried. All elder sisters are residinbg in joint family (I think so).
Now as I talk to her on mobile I found her talkative, childish, less mature.
My requirements for a girl are she should be talkative, beautiful, homely, caring, soft spoken, loving and all of above should be always giving respect to me and my family.
Some line abt me. I'm a guy with little dark complexion, average built, though good face features, non alcoholic, non smoker, vegeterian, simple, down to earth, earning handsome income (engineer) and living with parents at my home.
now after talking to her I'm confused a lot. We talked nearly abt all stuff including ... (you know what I'm talking abt). She keeps telling me that she is virgin and never had a bf in past (I'm the same never got to get girls in my life ever). I do believe her coz she is always telling me that she is frightened of her brother or don't wan't to break the belief of him as he trusts on her very much and all her sisters are arranged marriage and she'll keep the home up and running quite well after marriage.
But I have some doubts & don't know why? This is my second question. How to get rid of them?
3rd is that earlier she keeps calling me "aap" and when we talked too much she changed to "tum". What is this?
4th I need to know that how can we pass our whole life together coz I'm not that type of guy who goes very well along with other people. I don't have many friends & like to remain alone many times.
Sorry for boring long question but this is question of my life and I'm very much confused what to do next.
Please ask freely what u'd like to know more as what i remembered i write here (after u solve my initial problem I'd like to ask one more)
ANSWER: Hello Ashis,
Reading your question, I wish to give you an honest opinion and though it may seem a bit harsh to you, it is for your own good (trust me, I have been married for the past 22 years and have helped many of my relatives, mostly of your age, with relationship problems).
I'll answer serially, as you formatted your question.
1) Yes and no! I can understand that you were curious about her, as you saw her as your potential life partner, but going overboard wasn't exactly wise. But since you have already done this, no point thinking about it anymore.
Also, since you must have mentioned to her that you earn well, she must have thought you to be a miser as you said that you had low balance, something girls dislike.
2) It is obvious to have some doubts. Merely talking on the phone is not enough. Maybe you should go out on a family-approved date with her and see whether she has any habits that you dislike.
As for her childish nature, I think she is not immature. A girl from a family of 3 more girls and an elder brother cannot be immature. Either she is shy or flirting with you (sort of!) and so, don't worry about that.
Also, it does not matter whether or not she ever had a boyfriend in the past. I know this is very common in our country to make sure the girl is "pure" but I personally believe that viginity does not guarantee love. So, put this thought out of your mind and accept her as she is.
And as for having a boyfriend, though she has said that she never had any kind of relationship with anyone, tell her clearly (and gently, don't be harsh) that she should tell you honestly because you don't want problems after marriage.
3)This question is a no-brainer. It's obvious that she feels a lot more comfortable with you now and addresses you as "tum". Didn't your friends in college become "tu" from "tum"?
I must tell you that if you are really looking forward to have a happy married life, make your wife your friend first, and wife later.
4)You are introverted but don't worry. Just make sure that you want to marry because you want to share your life wth someone and not because your parents want a "bahu".
You want a girl who must be "talkative, beautiful, homely, caring, soft spoken, loving and all of above should be always giving respect to me and my family". But make sure that you also respond to her and listen to her chattering, appreciate her beauty, care for her, make her feel loved, and respect her family and parents which will make her respect your parents.
One thing I can tell you, as I also had an arranged marriage, that happiness after marriage depends on many things, not just on the girl. You also have to make an effort to make her feel loved.
All the best!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks mam for all ur suggestions and answers. Now I'd like to continue with some other things.
Q-1 I had asked some of my friends to get details abt her family and they told everything as fine. What type of people should I trust in order to get the details of her and her family. (I'm looking to pass the details of her to one guy whom I just know formally as when I was studying here in her city, and he is from the same college she has studied). Should I do this or not? If not why? What harm they may do?
Q-2. Please tell me how to make friends, like what stuff to talk about, how to discuss, what things not to discus etc.
"But make sure that you also respond to her and listen to her chattering, appreciate her beauty, care for her, make her feel loved, and respect her family and parents which will make her respect your parents."
I listen her chattering, (appreciating her she don't like), how to show care? family respect I can do.
(One more thing last when I talked to her I called her in night and that too for just for 4-5 mins and her mother was ill. I asked her to go and take care for her and dc the call. After that she is gone out to her mama in the nearby city and din't called me from there. I just keep remembering her and can't forget (2:14 am and I'm typing) but I think she is ignoring me. Help???
ANSWER: A-1 : I think getting details of her family is very hard. You don't know whether the guy is trustworthy because you just know him formally. What you can do is take neutral opinion from the neighbours. Usually, if you find they are saying the same things, then fine. If not, you have to decide on whom to believe.
There's no harm in doing this as long as you don't ask such things from her close friends or relatives, who may actually tell her/her family.
Another tip : Make sure you talk for a long time with their neighbour/the friend you mentioned and don't merely ask questions, so that they can remember everything. Many things can come out of a simple converstaion but if you just ask them questions, they might answer what they want to answer and not what is true.
A-2 : The only thing you have to do to make friends with her is think of her as a friend and not just your wife. You'll automatically knwo what to do.
And please give her some space. Just because you MAY get married doesn't mean she has to call you no matter where she goes.
Call her in the morning. Take the initiative.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: One more day has passed and I think she has not returned from her relative house. Coz i din't get any call from her (she left her mobile phone at her home) I just sent a blank message to her/her mom's (common) mobile to check whether she is at home or not. No reply means not returned I guess. Shyingly I can't call to her mom to ask whether she has returned or not?
Q-1. Why do I keep remembering her??
Q-2. What should I do in the case mentioned above??
Answer Yes,you can ask her mother, but ask about the general health of the family ("How is everyone?") before you ask about her.
It's normal to remember her because you've never had a girlfriend. Try to distract yourself by taking up some other hobby. Don't keep thinking about her. It's hard but not impossible.
