Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Question Dear Sharon,
okay me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years, the first time we met we started dating. We didn't really talk that much at the beggining of our relationship. So one night I went to stay with a friend that had a brother that I had dated about 4 months before me and my boyfriend started dating. I didn't tell my boyfriend that he was there since we weren't serious and I thought he wouldn't care [BIG MISTAKE] but I did tell him about 6 or 7 months down the road because he had asked me if I had ever lied to him about anything and we were getting serious but by then that night was a little fuzzy since I couldn't distinguise which night was which since he was there alot over the summer too and I have a really bad memory. I really don't want to ruin what we have but its been about a year and a half since I've told him and he's still not over it. He says the only reason he can get over it is if I tell him everything, but the problem is I don't remember ANYTHING! I just know that I didn't cheat on him in anyway. But now everytime I get mad at him for something he did he throws that in my face. I've had to sacrifice everything to try to get his trust back [e.g.friends, family, fun] but everytime I think I have it back something just out of the blue happens and he thinks I'm lying about it. Like today, I called him three times to wake him up and it showed that I only called him once but I SWEAR that I called him three times and now were fighting about it AGAIN. I just don't know if I can take it, I mean I know thats its my fault that our relationship is like this. But is there anyway it can be saved?
please I really do love him.
Amelia.
Answer Dear Amelia,
I hate to say this but your boyfriend is a very self-serving boyfriend and is irrational in his behavior. When people have differences that are rational they can be fixed but when a man manipulates you to give up family and friends, you have a REAL PROBLEM. Is this what you want the rest of your life, only worse? These relationships always get worse after marriage. Getting angry because he didn't think you called him three times to wake him up????? Why didn't he get his own self up!!? Why is he making you responsible?
No, my dear girl. The problems in this relationship are not your fault except that you have become a doormat with no back bone and not enough self confidence and feelings of self worth to know when someone is abusing you. Come on, a brother happening innocently to be at your friend's place early on in the relationship that he is still angry about and uses it to pound you down to a pulp emotionally and make you feel like a worm when you did nothing wrong?
If you are smart you will get out of this relationship as you can't fix a person like he is. You are not a puppet on a string--at least I hope you do not accept this kind of relationship. Do all you can to develop your self-confidence.
It is very important for you to understand what a healthy, mutually loving relationship is. Love is wanting the best for the other person. Love is wanting the other person to develop himself or herself to the fullest and be independent. Love is believing in the other person. Love is truly wanting your happiness.
I hope that you take classes and do all sorts of things to develop your talents. That will help you with self-confidence. It is my bet that he will have a fit if you decide to take lessons or new classes and will accuse you of not caring. Learn to know the difference between love and neediness. A woman who stays with a guy who is not good to her is not in love, she is in neediness.
I am so sorry to be so blunt because I know you that right now you want to work things out but I see huge red flags that are danger signals of a man who could escalate into serous abuse.
Has anyone else told you the same thing? Think about it.
I wish you the very best and that you really can see what is happening.
