Expert: Leon Scott Baxter: - 6/24/2009

Question
I am so confused.  I have been dating a man for 2 1/2 years.  We've had some rocky roads but have always stayed together.  We are VERY PHYSICALLY & SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ONE ONOTHER.  He is very head strong.  Unlike any other guy I have been with.  I am very easy going & get along with almost everyone.  He wants to be the domineering one.  He shows no emotion.  And…says he never will show it to anyone…including me.  He only shows anger. He also has a 15 year old daughter which was a problem.  We are fine now.  We broke up last year because we were arguing & he was yelling very loud and embarrassing me.  He is very stubborn.  We got back together 5 weeks later.  We started going to counseling but I found all we were doing was fighting.  Every Saturday morning.  Things were worst than ever.  There was much stress between us.  I am a very sensitive & emotional person.  Especially, since being menopausal.  I cry very easily.  At counseling…He decided he wanted a couple of weeks to think.  Two weeks turned into 3 then 4 because he wanted approval from his daughter.  He even sent me a text stating…”Liz said to give you another chance”.   I found this to be very hurtful.  He was also telling everyone he was giving me another chance.  I told him ”Can’t you say that we are working thing out…together”? We got back together.  That was at Easter time.  We had another argument 4 weeks ago because I forgot about his daughter’s party.  It wasn’t really a party but a picnic & I had volunteer work.  I explained to him that I couldn’t cancel my volunteer work because I just started (1 week prior).  Also…I was going to be taking off the next 2 weekends because we were going away.  He took a fit saying my volunteer work was more important than his daughter. that was not true but one thing lead to another.  (I have a bad habit to jump the gun without thinking I will admit that) and while talking to his daughter she told me that he was going to break up with me.  So…b-4 he could do that…I sent him an (I think you had enough time) email (from Easter) and sent it to him.  It really didn’t correlate with what had happen but…Then he starting telling me that I was Bi-Polar!  CONSTANLTY!!!  He wanted me to get check for it.  I told him that I was sensitive, emotional, unsure of myself and did not have the confidence I should have but I was not Bi-Polar.  He kept at it!  He also made me a list to bring to my counselor (I just started seeing someone new).  Stating all my issues: bossy, opinionated to name a few.  I got fed up and sent him an email telling him what he can do with his list and to go (*&% himself.  I know…Not very adult of me.  So…again…not together.  He came to my counseling session with me last week.  When we got out…He told me he wanted to work things out.  Now…How would you take that?  I thought we’d work things out and were back together.  I just found out today that we are not.  He said “I never said that”.  He said he wanted to work thing out while seeing the counselor.  I am in shock!  I thought if we were going to work things out…we’d be doing it together…not apart!  Is this relationship worth saving?  He says I just have to except him the say he is…”PERIOD” He wants me to do all the changing but is not willing to do so.  Desperately Needing Help!  Thanks for this long letter I wrote!  I think I included everything!  I hope you can understand it.

Answer
Hello Laurie,

Part of me says that this could work out, because he's taking steps to go to counseling with you and wants to give this another shot, but the big red flag is that he is unwilling to budge, and puts everything on you.

In doing that, he's almost treating you like the child and he is the parent. He is right and he needs to help mold you correctly. A relationship is a two-way street, and from what you say, his side of the street definitely can do with a little road construction.

I think he definitely has some issues that he still needs to deal with. It feels as though he's been hurt and has a wall up that he doesn't want to let down. Although he cares for you, he's openly put you in second position to his daughter, giving her the authority of choosing if he should be with you, as well as telling her, before talking to you, that he plans to break up. He has every right to put his daughter over you in many aspects, but he shouldn't make it so obvious and especially not to her.

I don't think, being the way things are now, that this is a healthy relationship for you. Even if you two got married down the road, your positioning with his daughter would continue to come into conflict. If he doesn't start to try to deal with his issues, try to change a bit and to lower his wall, then no, I don't think it's worth saving. I don't think any of you will be happy in the future if he (not you) doesn't make some effort to change.

Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com