Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Question I met my girlfriend last summer at a summer internship and we have continued dating for the last year. We dated for about a month and then I was forced to return to my college town to continue with college. She stayed in the town where we met because she went to college there. We decided to try and make our relationship last through a long distance relationship and make it to the next summer so that we could continue our lives together. I love this girl with all my heart and she tells me that she loves me too (I believe her too!!). I have no doubt in our love for each other, but we have been having issues since we recently continued our relationship in the same town again.
My girlfriend is a perfectionist to the tee and I am very casual and laid back. These two personality clashes have been the center of our problems lately. At this point, she just graduated college and I still have to return to my college for my last semester after this summer. I found a good summer job and am living with some relatives in the town that she found her entry level full time job.
So previous to the few months before this summer we were sailing on calm waters. We talked over the phone every night for the whole two semesters and visited each other every weekend. I suspected that our relationship was going to hit rocky water when the next summer hit because we were too comfortable with only seeing each other every week or two. I knew that all we could do was put our deeper relationship on cruise until we were done with school. We’ll my girlfriend received a great job offer for this summer upon her graduation and it hit me that if I wanted to be around her this summer I should find a job near where she was going. I never could find anything due to this crappy economy which made our relationship tense as the summer drew nearer. Other things caused our relationship to grow tense toward the end of our spring semester….
We were fairly sure that we wanted to get married some day when we were ready and decided to stop having sex to grow in intimacy. We stopped sex about 4 months ago. Well that seemed like a good Idea at the time but dang it sure has made me very emotional and sensitive. Since we stopped having sex about 4 months ago my girlfriend and I have lost that sexual spark that we used to have and it worries me that we are losing each other altogether. I have been relating our sexual downfall to some unknown physical problem that my girlfriend has… she said that she hasn’t had a period in over 4 months, isn’t pregnant, but she relates it to her severe stress and the fact that she lost 30 lbs. from her diet.. I don’t know but she had definitely not be the same over the last few months and I can’t decide if it is physically related, stress related, or falling-out-of-love related.
As my girlfriend began to get closer to her graduation and move date to her new job location, she began to not talk to me as much. I knew that she was busy with school and I didn’t want to make her feel bad about not giving me as much time, but I just felt like she was putting school before me and everything else for the last month and a half of her spring semester. She already had a 3.8 GPA and didn’t need to ace everything in here last few classes…my carefreeness coming out. So when I came for her graduation I vented to her about my thoughts and our first real troubles began. Her dad automatically made me the bad guy for bringing a dark cloud to here graduation. I admit that I should not have brought this up then, but it was the only time in a month that I could actually open up to her. So basically I was told to leave the house because her family thought that I was smothering here making her unhappy. They told me that when she gets stressed she clams up and shuts everyone out. My thought is that she should be able to let me in even when she is pissed or stressed. I don’t want to be shut out. I probably was smothering a little bit but I feel that she still needs to work on letting other people in and letting other people help her out.
So previous to this summer starting, I had been asked to leave her parents house (not as bad as it sounds bc her dad, brother, and I talked and we found a common ground on what I needed to do to keep dating my gf), found that my girlfriend was a perfectionist who refused to take my advice or let me in when times get stressful, we stopped having sex, I had not found any summer work, and I would be lonely living in a foreign town where I only know my aunt and uncle and my girlfriend.
I eventually moved to the town that we are now living in together. My goal for this summer was to figure out our differences and decide whether she is the one, but it started off in a crazy spiral. I am putting all my effort to not smother her and to not continue our fighting frenzy. She works 4 ten hour shifts every week and is exhausted. We are seeing each other every night and still keep in touch every day, but I still get this feeling in my gut that we are about to call it quits. She wants to get sleep and doesn’t want me to sleep over at her new apt all the time bc I keep her up (I am a heavy sleeper and she is a light sleeper). I would live with her but our religion is against it and I don’t think that it would help us anyways. She can’t come over to my place bc my relatives would drive her crazy like they do me.
I have a great summer job and am able to distract myself. I just want to be able to provide for my girlfriend and be the one to take care of her. I feel like a shmuck because I have no friends, no house of my own, no car of my own. My girlfriend is taking off with her new life and I am being left in the dirt because I am not graduated yet.
Should I just give up on this rubrix cube or is our love for each other enough to keep pushing forward
No matter the answer I am going to keep trying. I just want someone to talk to about this
Thanks
Answer Hi Jim,
I think it is a good idea that you stopped having sex because when the focus is sex you do not get a chance to see the real person, which is what is happening right now. Your differences are now evident and if you are to pull together you each need to understand and appreciate your differences and negotiate your differences. I wish I could do personality assessments on each of you as it gives immediate understanding of your own versus your partner's motivation, personality trait needs, and I have a great way of negotiating differences. It is like working out 20 years of trial and error in just a few weeks time.
You are also smart not to move in together. Living together before marriage increases your chances you will not marry and/or increases divorce rate.
In this venue, I can only give you a few suggestions.
First of all, you picked a horrible time to vent. You were thinking of you and your feelings and did not give her her moment of glory and accomplishment. You robbed her of her special time. Not a good way to develop a lasting and loving relationship. I hope you sent her a dozen roses with an apology.
Good and productive courting is like a dance. You come together closely and then twirl apart, dance around each other, take a step back to get a good view, and then come together again.
It does sound like you smother her somewhat. Seeing each other every night is not a great idea. You need some space in order to miss each other. You need to get involved in something in your community and develop friends outside this relationship. No person can be everything and all for another person; it is just not possible and is too heavy a burden to carry.
I suggest you court her. Not just hang out. This is a way of life, not just to get the girl. You need to make her feel special. Even when married you should have one night a week for date night where you plan on taking her somewhere nice and making her feel like she is special, loved, and cherished. Be creative in your dates. Go to different places. Have fun and when you go have fun DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS.
Appreciate her personality and back off and let her be herself.
This is what I think. I think you are too demanding that she be with you 100% and always "let you in." That is very controlling and doesn't allow the other person to have time to think, meditate and work things out, and to be an individual. At these times when she is stressed, think of her and her needs instead of yours. Her need is to work it out so let her work it out. Give her a little kiss and then leave the scene and tell her that you are as near as the telephone if there is anything you can do to help.
Men make the mistake of wanting to jump right in and help solve the problem when women need to be held and supported in that way and told that everything will be okay WITHOUT trying to solve the problem. Your job is to hold and comfort unless advice and help is asked for.
Anyway, these are just a few suggestions. Try these and see what happens. There are many other things I could suggest and help you work out but not in this short venue. I do wish you the best and hope this is helpful.
Check out my website. I will soon have a shopping cart with things on there that could be very helpful.
