Expert: Sharon Crandall - 6/24/2009

Question
My FI have been together for 1 1/2 yrs, engaged 9 months, due to wed next mo, now called off. I have a son, 6 years old. I love my FI and he is very loving and supportive. He is 6 yrs younger than I. He is usually very responsible, but at times tends to be a people-pleaser.
We had already sent out invitations, then two weeks ago he starts saying that he's scared we may have difficulty living together because of our personalities, he's neat and I'm messy, He's late, I'm eary. He says he's not sure if I'll be happy if he can't be what I expect (I'm pretty laid back and don't feel that I am overly demanding) He says everything is perfect, but something in the back of his head keeps making him have doubts. Then he turns around and says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. He also says that he is nervous about becoming a step-father. He has no children. He has not been around children and seems surprised when my son misbehaves. My son is so sweet. He is very energetic and when he returns from his Dad's house, sometimes becomes defiant and misbehaves. When I asked FI if he wanted to call it off...he pauses then says no. He says he loves me more than anything and doesn't want to hurt me..says he's somewhat excited to marry me, but feels he should be more excited.
I tell him that I love him, but we should post-pone. He then comes over and tells me he has been acting foolish and is sorry he has been wasting time and doesn't want to miss another moment with me. He told me that once I decided to post-pone the wedding, he felt weak and terribly sad and that he must have really been more excited than he thought, just scared.  I tell him no, I am not convinced and he has hurt me deeply.
I feel that he jerked me around for 2 weeks being indecisive. He knew about our personality differences and the fact that I have a son from day one. He asked me to marry him--no pressure on the ring, date, or anything. He helped me plan the wedding and send out invitations. Why didn't he voice concerns then instead of waiting until invitations are out and people have booked rooms. We are in counseling. He told the counselor that he felt it was good that we post-poned because he wasn't ready to get married...then why did he ask?? Why did he beg me not to postpone after I had made the decision to do so? I feel that he is trying really hard now. He is showing me how much he cares and we are spending much more time together with my son, but I am not sure that I can trust him to say what he is really feeling. I feel that the way he handled things was very immature and disrespectful to me. He seems to have low self-esteem. He said that he was afraid if he asked to postpone that it would be completely over.  I am so mad and hurt right now. I wonder at times if I should even continue, but something tells me not to let go. I am so confused!!!
His ex-wife cheated on him, and he said he thought she was the right one for him, but he got hurt. It seem that he is sometimes paralyzed by fear of failure. My ex-husband also cheated, but I worked through it and am able to trust again. We are taking a break for now. He said he is so sorry for the pain he caused and will do anything to make it right. He will give me all the time I need  

Answer
Hi.  It is usually not a good idea to marry when already have a child unless you are absolutely sure that the new parent totally loves the idea and will be a great father.  Not what you think, hope and wish for, but what you see.  Your son is very little and so often the step parent simply does not understand or have the same tolerance for someone else's child. Then what happens is you have a child together and he favors the new child and the step child then suffers a lot because he knows he is not accepted.  Very few people can truly accept a step child as their own.

Your son will resent his step dad in disciplining him as well, and will be confused and also be very defiant against feeling like he has to accept a new dad.  It is very confusing to a child and not a good situation to put a child into.  

I think the counselor is right, as difficult for you as it is to accept.  I think you should wait until your son is older and until you are absolutely sure that a new dad would be able to accept him like his own, or at least make sure you do not have other children until the child is old enough to be okay with the idea.  He should be considered in any such decision.

I now this is tough but for your son's sake I think that postponing for a few years to see if the relationship is really going to be okay with him and your son.  Your first obligation is to your son and right now it seems very risky to me.  Perhaps it is because he is younger than you are, too.  He definitely is having some reservations and those should be heeded.

Sorry I don't have better news for you but so many step children are abused because of step parents who just can't cope with stepchildren.  There is something about being the blood parent that makes a parent more accepting of the little things that irritate a step parent.  Your fiance is more uptight than you and things obviously bother him more while you are more laid back and always remember that things get worse after marriage.  Whatever problems you have now will be magnified. They seldom get better so that means that what you see is what you get plus worse. His personality seems like he might not be able to handle this very well.

I do wish you the best and hope in time that things work out for you but please do not rush into this.

Sharon Crandall
www.personalityconsultant.com