Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Question QUESTION: I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. He cheated on me early on in our relationship. It was really hard to get over but every day he makes sure that I know he loves me! the other night we went out, and I kept my eye on him all the time. I dont know what it was? do i trust him? am i jealous he might find someone else? i'm afraid that these negative feelings about him and stickin to the past may gradually break us up! how do i best deal with this? that same night, some of his friends said he had cheated on me. He said it wasn't true and i do believe him, but at the same time i wanted him to understand what i felt. However, every time i bring it up, or my jealousy kicks in- he gets annoyed- saying " I don't know what more i can do? to show you that I love you!" is he losing interest in me? thanks for you help!!
ANSWER: Hello,
When we start dating someone we set up a pattern. Women today often give everything without any real commitment and this puts them in a very vulnerable position. Years ago, women did not have sex with guys until they were married or at least had a lifetime commitment to them. They kept their power. Today they give everything and demand precious little in return and then hope their guy will be faithful but there is nothing really holding them to you.
The power is is having self-confidence so that if the guy stays, ok, and if he goes, ok. A woman with self-confidence knows that if her guy does not appreciate her and is not faithful to her then she will be just fine and move on to find someone better.
How wonderful is this guy that you are so afraid to lose him? If he is as wonderful as you think he will not cheat on you and if he is not as wonderful as you think, he will cheat on you. Really, what is holding him to you, anyway? There are never any guarantees. People come and people go in our lives and we can't control it. All you have is you, and that should be enough. If you do not believe in yourself, who will? It is not that you do not trust him, what is really happening is that you do not trust yourself. You do not believe in yourself enough , which is the very thing that could drive him away.
Start believing in yourself. Develop yourself and your talents. Do things that are hard that give you a sense of accomplishment. Look in the mirror and appreciate who you are. Walk forward with confidence knowing that is this guy is stupid enough to cheat on you, you would not want him anyway so what is there to worry about? If you do this, you will have a much better chance in holding on to him but when you do not believe in yourself then you are clingy and needy and that usually pushes them away.
QUESTION: THank you very much for your help-
My boyfriend and I spoke the other night. He said to me first, that he loved me and missed me. Second time we were alone talking, he said he thought it was best we were on a break. He said it was very hard on him that i kept bringing up the past again and again. I told him i understood, and it was something i needed to learn. We both talked, and felt we really communicated. It was silent, and then he came towards me and said, i dont want to go on a break!! i love you so much, you make me so happy- i think i just said it because it was the easy option, and i just didn't what to think!- I said, i knwo i made the mistake of brining the past up, which wasn't fair. WE talked about EVERYTHING- he told me things that made him frustrated with me, and i told him what i didn't like about him!- we both understood i think. He said at one point, he tries to make me happy, but when I am happy i annoy him? I think, due to my jealousy in the past, i haven't showed him the care and love that i should give him. When he said, the break idea was silly- he was cuddling me all night and kissing me- We didn't go out in the end, we went home early because he wanted to come back home and give me a cuddle.
I would like to know, what did he mean by the break idea? He said the next morning, I'd hate to go on a break cause you mean so much to me and always make me smile. SHould i forget about what he said about the break? and focus on the future now?
Thank you for your help!
Answer I believe you shouldn't just jump right into it full force. I think that you need to tell him that you want to take it slow and just date to have a good time. Then go out with him and do things together--not just hang out. Laugh and have a good time but keep it lighter and not so serious. Tell him that you don't want to get too serious too soon. This will give him something to work for. Then, see if you feel strong enough and independent enough to back off and not be jealous and keep bringing up the past.
This taking it slow is for you, as well as him, so that you can establish yourself as an independent woman, instead of being so needy that you are jealous. This means that you do not spend every night with him but see him only a couple times a week so that you can get out and do other things. When you wrap your whole life around another person it is not good and you really need to develop self-confidence and independence.
That is my advice. Tell him you care but want to hold it down to a couple of times a week to let each other grow.
See if he goes for that and it will also give him something to work for and that is very good.
