AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Question QUESTION: Hi...i haven't done this before so forgive me if i ramble
.... the guy i like(love..a lot) says i dont have words for
him..that i dont give him strength...whenever he is upset i
cant say anything to change his mood..what ever i say to
console,he replies that it was not what he wanted to
hear...when i asked him what he meant by "words" he said
something right from my heart...but everything i say comes
from my heart....plus he says that i dont show my
affection...he says i am cold..(ppl say that abt me..but i
never thought even he will think i am cold..i still dont
think i act cold towards him).....he says he cant see
anything in my eyes...help me..i dont know how to show my
feelings in my eyes or in words..i hid my feelings for him
for almost 2 years..may be my body/mind is used to not
showing...but i really really need to show him how i
feel...i want to give him strength..i want to show him
beauty in this world...what do i do???
ANSWER: Hello Candy,
I know you want to support your man in every way possible, but it's not your responsibility to give him strength. It's his responsibility to find it. You offer your love in your way, and he needs to be able to accept that for what it is, and learn how to interpret that as support, thus finding strength in it.
It is NOT your responsibility to hit and miss with what you think he may want to hear, until he tells you that you're doing it right. If he can't feel the love he so desperately needs from your actions, he has three choices: 1) tell you what he needs, 2) interpret your actions as strength, or 3), if this is not going to work for him, get out of the relationship.
Am I advocating he leave the relationship? No. But, if this is such a crucial aspect of what he needs, he can't put that responsibility on you. He has to figure this out and you two can work together.
If he says you don't give him strength, that you are cold, that there's nothing in your eyes, why is he with you? What I mean to say is that he's complaining and looking for the negative instead of telling you what he loves about you.
Sure, it would be great if you were a bit warmer, but if that's your personality, that's who you are. That's who he fell in love with. When we fall in love, we take the idiosyncrasies and little bothersome parts, because there's so much wonderfulness that outweighs it.
I don't think you really need to be bending over backward for him. If he loves you and you are showing him love in your way, he needs to accept it or tell you that he doesn't want to be with you (and my guess is that he does want to be with you).
Sit him down, talk with him about this and be strong with regard to him taking control of his feelings.
QUESTION: thank you for ur response..but you see the situation is bit
complex...we arent "together" together... he says he loves
me a lot but he is not sure as what..and its upto me to
make him sure of it...he says if ever he will have that
special person in his life, it will be me or no one...he
says its all upto me to get myself to that position...if i
dont he will stay alone for rest of his life..he says one
cant only live life on love for whole life(which i do
agree)...he needs words..strength..i need to show him
beauty in this world.
see he loved someone else before...a lot.. i was there with
him when he went through all that pain...after that he
decided that he wont love anyone else...he says it hurts
too much...he used to say he doesnt want to get close to
anyone...now he says if he is meant to be with someone it
will be me but i dont make him feel that..not always..i
dont know how to explain it to you..sorry....i am the
closest he has ever gotten to someone but i am still not
there where his life partner should be.....
Answer Hello again, Candy,
I know that you really want this relationship, and he's put himself in a position where if you want this, YOU must do the work. If that's what he wants at the beginning, there's a good chance he'll want this the rest of the relationship, too... YOU show the love, YOU be romantic.
By him saying that he's okay being single, or if you want him, you need to make him feel a certain way, he's positioning himself into more power than might be healthy for a relationship. But, that's not what you want to hear, because you want this relationship so badly.
And, I'm not implying that he's a bad guy or trying to fool you. He may very well be so terrified of being hurt again, that he's willing to go relationshipless. But, still, that's not fair to you.
He know the pain involved with losing in love. He understands the risk. Some decide not to risk it again, when in a position like his. Others put their neck on the line again. But, if he wants a true, balanced, healthy, give-and-take relationship, he can't put you in this position. If you accept it and DO convince him to love you the way you would like, you may end up in a relationship that won't feel right in the long run, and where will this end up? Probably another broken relationship, just what he's trying to avoid.
If he wants this to work, he needs to take the risk again.
