AboutKindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger Expertise I am able to answer questions regarding dating, courtship, and marriage after divorce. I feel equipped to address questions and comments regarding old baggage and past mistakes. I can also answer questions pertaining to blended families and step-children. I can not answer questions that involve manipulating the partners behavior or outlook.
Experience I am a minister that teaches and counsels G-d's instruction for stable relationships. My husband and I have both been married before. I have worked with battered women and facilitated groups for men with anger issues. As a minister, I have officiated several weddings in the past decade, with only one resulting in divorce.
Question We met in 2006, moved in together in 2007,we are still together in 2009. Our relationship was fun, exciting and felt as if we were meant to be together. Right before he moved in with me (2000 miles away from home) He had a fling with his ex-girlfriend.That created lots of tension and of course tarnished my trust for him. He is a drinker and a people person. He likes bars but does not seem to know or care where the boundaries are where his safety and cheating is concerned. He cheated a second time at a bar in 2007. I know I have accepted and or promoted his behavior by continuing the relationship with him. He swears he is sorry and wants to do what it takes to make our relationship work. I asked him to stop going to bars unless I'm with him, which works out for about 4 weeks then he breaks and goes out again. Unfortunately this 'flaw' as he says, 'Everyone has them', is much more than that, he will drink and drive, drink and black out and if presented with the opportunity, cheat. If it weren't for his drinking he would be my knight and shinning armor. I am 41 years old and should know better. What can we do to make this relationship work?
Answer Dear Becca,
I will answer your question directly. "What can we do to make this relationship work?" You used the term "we" and for the relationship to work, will require both of you to be trustworthy and honest. I frankly, do not see this happening. It's very rare, as in an act of G~D, that a cheater changes their ways. The drinking may be an excuse, but the fact of the matter is, this guy is not trustworthy. There are a number of people that use alcohol to camouflage their lack of conscience. So often someone refers to "they only do 'whatever' if they are drinking . . ." Well, a responsible person has to face the fact, if they lose all sense of decorum when they drink, they need to not drink. A person's choices and behavior is still a matter of personal responsibility.
I think you have done all you can to make this relationship work, at least as far as honesty is concerned. Now, if you can accept his cheating, that's fine, if you can't, I'd say unless he becomes trustworthy, it won't work.
Those guys that are always perfect knights in shining armor. . . except for the drinking and carousing. That's how they get women to put up with their drinking and carousing.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I think you can do better.
Kind Regards,
KD
www.kdliz.com
