Question QUESTION: Hello!
For the last few years one particular guy and I have been orbiting in and out of each other's lives. We had a fling a few years ago, and 6 weeks ago we started an exclusive hetero relationship.
He was absolutely gung-ho for us to be exclusive, even though we'd be a 4 hour flight apart (I am moving to where he lives in September). From the get-go I didn't believe he would be able to hack it and tried to get him to clarify his intentions and also get him to consider a non-monogamous set up. No dice.
Anyway, various things have aroused my suspicions about his honesty. I found the distance and the monogamy difficult and made a few fruitless efforts to re-introduce them into conversation.
While I was visiting him over the weekend I looked through his phone and found text messages like, "Hey you, introduce me to a chick I'm f*cking horny," and, "Did I tell you hot (name) is yet?" Normally I would consider it a bad move to look through someone's phone & have never done it before.
We had a talk about it and decided we'd try to work things out if we could get through the breach of trust. My rationale goes like this: he didn't have sex with anyone and I was having trouble with the monogamy as well, so I don't feel right faulting him when I had felt the same way. He said that he didn't feel safe to say 'No' when I asked if the monogamy was working because he has never had a trusting relationship before.
Is this all just malarkey? Am I losing my logic somewhere here?
He seems to honestly want an exclusive commitment though he seems to lack the self-awareness and communication skills to make it happen. We are supposed to have another talk, but it has been 3 days and I am starting to doubt it will happen. I don't get it, if you don't wanna be exclusive with a girl and she is ok with that WHY (oh why) would a you say you wanted to be?
Should I just cut my losses, or stick it out a little longer to see if he actually changes anything?
ANSWER: Hi Aurelia,
Yes. This does sound confusing. I also share your concern that you had the feeling / need to check his phone. This means you are doubting his sincerity, and I would imagine this will keep coming up for you.
You said the two of you discussed the phone issue but don't say exactly what he shared (i.e., did he acknowledge wanting to act on these texts -- sounds like he did). If he shared wanting to connect with someone else, this would be a clear message to me.
He may really want this relationship with you and be scared of it (i.e., commitment) at the same time. This would be totally normal. His behavior, as you present it though, does not indicate he is ready for an exclusive relationship; You, on the other hand, sound like you are. I think you are wise to want to continue talking about it. I hope he is interested in addressing this and maybe even willing to do couples counseling with you. Good luck! Stuart
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hello!
Thanks for your response.
I initially pushed for the non-monogamous thing because the relationship was going to be long-distance from the very start and I didn't know when we'd see each other again. As I said, we've known each other for a few years, but it's still difficult to get a relationship going under these conditions.
Though he was telling me he wanted us to be exclusive, I also know he's an attractive guy with options and I imagined he would be tempted to stray. Initially, he didn't give me satisfying reasons for wanting to date me (as opposed to someone else), and immediately accepted all my terms without negotiating or objecting AT ALL to anything I asked and that seemed odd to me.
The 'trust issues' you mention seem to have come up because we were far away from one another and I didn't think we could communicate very well. This made the monogamous part of the relationship difficult for me because I felt like this association was a losing battle. How can you make a relationship work if you can't communicate?
He started to seem more distant abotu 3 weeks into it, which is when he sent the text messages I found in his phone.
We had a conversation the other day about all this; at first he said he really liked me but didn't know if he could be 100% faithful because of the distance. Then, he changed his tune and said he didn't want to lose me out of his life and would do anything to make the relationship work. But then I saw a condom in his wallet the next day and we don't use them. I expected as much, but am not sure whether I should be upset, or confront him about it.
I don't understand the dynamic between us that is making him want to seek other partners. When you ask whether either of us are ready to be committed I imagine you are saying you think that we are not. Can you say more about that?
It is not such a problem for me if he wants to sleep with other women, but I absolutely require honest, frequent and open communication in order to be ok with such a set up. And I don't see it happening.
Can you give me any more insight?
Answer Aurelia,
Clearly you are pretty insightful here. Long-distance relationships have additional challenges and I appreciate your concerns. You are right; how can you have a relationship (long-distance or not) if you cannot communicate. Along these lines, I am bright enough to know I don't have him in front of me to talk with and get a feel for what he is experiencing but your concerns are valid. Again, he does not to be sending clear messages with you.
Is the condom new? If you are SURE, than this is one of those mixed-messages. Yet, I am curious to know if you felt the need to check his belongings -- I would understand why you feel the need, however, it does not bode well for the relationship, and I would hate for you to think you will always have to do it.
The fact that I don't have him in front of me means I cannot tell how "committed" he is. As you share them though, his actions do not support this. Now, if you are open to an "open" relationship, and you have previously sent this message, he may believe his texts/condom/looking for other possibilities and such is ok. Aurelia, can I ask deep down, what is leading you to want this relationship? Stuart
