AboutManju Rakshit Expertise I can answer questions related to problems faced just after marriage, renewing the magic in an old marriage, how to stay married, and, on problems arising from interactions with in-laws. I cannot answer questions on pre-marriage problems or dating.
Experience I am happily married for the past 22 years, and the mother of a teenager. Also, I have experience in counselling my acquaintances, who have given me highly positive feedback on the solutions that I provided them.
Publications Bengali publications (magazines) and a self-help book written by me.
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Arts (BA), Bachelor of Education (BEd)
Awards and Honors Received numerous awards for fiction-writing and I am also a published author.
My wife and I are married almost 5 years. We dated for 3.5 years before getting married. While dating I noticed that she had some insecurity issues, but thought they would pass with time.
While in college i remember walking though a health fair and one of the booths there was regarding healthy relationships. One of the questions in their survey was "does your significant other get upset when they see you looking at other women/men?" I gathered that it wasn't healthy for an individual in an a relationship to be so insecure and/or jealous about spouse/boy/girlfriend looking at others. Personally, it doesn't bother me if i catch my wife looking at other men. I realize it bothers my wife a lot, so i do my best at avoiding it at all costs. I find myself in awkward situations, trying to avoid it by looking at her, away, or at the floor etc. It almost makes it worse at times. Most of the time i feel as though my wife has spotted any female close to my age, and is waiting for me to glance up/over/across, and accuse me of looking at this other person.
I would be a liar to say that i haven't looked at other women before. It's my opinion, but most men i talk to about this issue find themselves catching a glimpse now and then. I feel it's common amongst women and men, women are just more discrete at it than most men.
My wife and i have gone to counseling. I have said that i want to go back and discuss the issues mentioned here in this note. She says she would rather read self help books to try and work through her insecurity, along with diagnosing my issues.
As mentioned, i too continue to work on my issues with this, but in most cases, i feel as though because of one or two legitimate times when she caught me, her trust is gone, and continues to accuse me, even when I'm not looking at someone, or working ridiculously hard to avoid it. Please advise on any good books i or my wife can read on this issue if possible.
Thanks for the help,
Jeff
Answer Hello Jeff,
I think that the problem is not just with your wife but to a certain extent also with you.
It is natural for men to look at other women but it just does not mean that the man doesn't love his wife. But as you said, your wife doesn't understand this. So, I suggest you get her some books like "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" and other such books which point out the differences between men and women because while men look at other women even when they are committed, a woman NEVER looks at another man when she is serious about her current relationship.
As for you, I think you should get a more relaxed. Don't think about not looking. If you keep on avoiding other women constantly, it seems even more suspicious. A glance of 3-5 seconds is fine. No more.
And I also suggest that rather than going for counselling, get the books I mentioned, sit and read them TOGETHER and talk about it. Tell her that this is normal and how you feel about it. Reassure her that you love her and do this often. Get her small gifts every weekend or so. And make her feel loved.
