Expert: Kindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger - 7/1/2009

Question
Ive been with my boyfriend(or ex) for about a year and a half. we got close very fast, right out of high school. our relationship was perfect, best ive ever had, we were so happy... i recently hurt and lied to him a few times in a row which diminished all the trust he had for me. i dont know why i hurt him or put him through all of the pain. i know that he is the one, he is what i was looking for and what i needed all along i was just too blind to see it. he is my best friend any my everything and i will do anything to get him back. we still see each other and hang out and talk and it just makes things hard on me. im scared things wont get better between us. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but he is afraid of getting hurt again. i promise and promise and swear up and down that i wont (And i mean it) but he keeps saying he doesnt know. when im with him i ask if i have a chance of being with him again and he says yes hes just not sure because hes scared and doesnt want it to happen again. i understand whats hes going through, ive been through it before. we promised each other we would never hurt each other. that was our number one thing...problem is im still baffled and confused as to why i even hurt him in the first place. i guess i felt neglected and unimportant and it felt good to have someone pay attention to me again. i didnt realize what happened till everything went out the window. i ask how i can get him back and he tells me to prove it to him and to gain his trust back, when i ask how im supposed to he says i dont know, you need to figure it out on your own. i dont know how to or what i need to do to get him back into my life.
we were perfect and had the greatest relationship anyone could ask for. how am i supposed to fix us? how do i get that old spark back ?

Answer
Dear Lisa,
Without knowing him or what you did to hurt him, I have two schools of thought regarding your predicament.  One is, it's just going to take time for him to trust you again.  Not one big event, but simply the little things adding up over time.  My other thought is this.  You hurt him and he's going to keep you "jumping at the hoop" for awhile until he's satisfied that you've changed or the score is even.  I really think the best idea would be for you to tell him you're sorry you did what you did, don't make any promises or discussions about what it will take or anything.  Just an "I'm sorry for what I did.  I hope you can forgive me."  Then just move on with life.  Live a trustworthy life and he'll see it and if you quit asking him what you can do to fix it, he'll quit being reminded of the pain.  Keep in mind, with him, as well as anyone you deal with.  Making up or fixing isn't just about one person being sorry, the other one has to be forgiving.  
I wish you well and much happiness.
Kind Regards,
KD
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