How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Less attention and time from boyfriend
QUESTION: Hello, i am in a relationship with a guy who is 4 years elder to me. We are in relation from last 3 months. He is professionally very much dedicated towards his work and very matured as compared to me. He love his work more than me and he can go to any extent of hardwork to achieve his dreams. I have completed my graduation recently and now doing nothing..so basically i am free these days.
Problem is that as i am almost free the entire day, he is the only one whose thoughts juggle in my mind and so i desire to talk to him every now and then but not able to because wenevr i call him up during his office time he always says he is busy.
But for the first month of our relation, v used to meet every week, sometimes even twice a week and he was the 1 who always intiated to plan our meetings...
And since 2nd month...v plan a lot to meet but evrytime he cancels the plan due to his professional work.
Earlier he used to call me during office timings, in morning also and after getting back from office as well..
but now he finds it difficult to take out 5-10 mins to talk from his busy schedule.
I know his schedule is very busy as he has discussed it with me, but earlier also he was carrying same schedule and still he managed to take out time but now y this difference.
I respect his professional dedication and i appreciate his hard work but since i am in relation with him so i will also desire his time and attention.
How can i turn things like before? Am i over reacting to this change or is he really not bothering to care for me and think about me.
V have mutually discussed about this many a times but i am worried exccesive discussion about this issue will irritate him and will create differences in our relation.
ANSWER: Hello Nitisha,
Two things must be addressed in your situation. First, you need to expand your socail circle. Now that you are done with your studies, your whole world revolves around him, but only because you have nothing else to occupy your mind.
It's time to get out= there and find a job of your own, start spending time with your former classmates, get involved with activities and hobbies. In this way, your happiness and existence does not depend entirely on him.
The other issue is that you have only been a couple for three months. He was really excited at the beginning of this relationship and put his job on the back-burner for you, but really his love is his work at this time. He has put work back up there at the top of his priority list and you have come in second, as of now. That's not as bad as it sounds.
You need to ease up a bit so he doesn't feel smothered (hence, expanding your social circle) so that he can find the balance between you and work. As your relationship grows, if you two work out, he can start to love you and he may be able to put you atop his prioirty list permanently.
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QUESTION: Thanks a lot for your advice and i admire each and every word of yours.
But trust me i have tried everything to think less about him, to divert my mind into other things, to indulge myself in different activities but nothing is working out as such.
Being a piscean i am very imaginative and all i imagine is about him. There is not a single second in a day when i do not miss him.
I keep texting him up entire day and sometimes he even reply back.
But as i said, work is his priority, that's y he hardly take out time to meet me.
Though i know that his schedule is very busy and whenever he is free, he take out time to talk to me.
But at times when i really need him a lot, and i am not even able to talk to him, then i loose my control and shower my anger on him, which usually spoils situation.
I really want to support him with everything, with his schedule, with his problems like everything but above all i want my priority as highest in his life.
Please tell me how could i make this possible such that he himself takes out maximum of his time to think about me and to be with me.
ANSWER: Hello again, Nitisha,
If you want to be the most important thing in his life, you must be patient and let the relationship grow at its own pace. I feel that you want to rush him to the level you are at, but you can't. If you do, not only will you become frustrated not getting the results you want, but you will be pushing him away, and you can lose him. Texting him constantly and losing control when you are frustrated is not going to help him put you at the top of his priority list.
You have to pull back a bit, like I said earlier, and let things develop. This relationship is still in its early stages, so don't rush things.
You also said that you have tried everything you can to get your mind off of him. You need to get involved in different things, but if you are thinking that you are doing these things NOT to think of him, well, that's exactly what you'll think of. You'll discard it assuming it doesn't work, and jump into something else. Instead, you need to to find something that you truly do enjoy and do it for the sake of the enjoyment. Yes, he may see back into your mind now and again, but if you are having fun, you'll be more balanced. Keep at it, and eventually you will become more used to spending time with others and having activities that don't include him.
Remember, I am suggesting this so you don't feel the need to constantly contact him and get mad when he doesn't reciprocate. This will show him that he has room to breathe and space to make choices in the relationship, so he can eventually make a move in your direction.
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QUESTION: Thanks a lot. I will surely try to give him some space and to find my own space of life as well. Definitely i don't want to become a formality for him so i will try not irritate him for such silly reasons.
I think i should be more focused towards my career. This will help me to develop myself as an individual, will make me independent and i will also be indulged into my professional work. Hopefully this way he will understand my worth and then i could become the priority of his life.
Thanks a lot for helping me out. I will make sure i do not mess up things over such reasons.
Hello again, Nitisha,
I think focusing on your career will be good in many ways. It will help you in your future. It will divert your attention from him. It will give him the space he needs. And, it will hopefully help widen your social circle.
I promise, if you truly immerse yourself in your work, this will become easier. Just hang in there.