How to Strengthen Your Relationship/insecure and controlling


QUESTION: Me & my boyfriend have been together for about a year and seven months now. In his past he was a player, and I am the first woman he has never cheated on or as he says wanted to cheat on. He says he loves me and wants to spend forever with me. I am bipolar and depressed. I take medicine for these things, i also have a HORRABLE anger problem which I am now going to counseling for and working on. My boyfriend is so stuck on my issues that everytime we argue it's my fault and he can't even see where I am coming from. He tells me that I am using counseling as an excuse, which I'm not I really am trying. I have been trying to stay calm but then he nags me. I try and trust him but sometimes its difficult because of his past and when we first got together I caught him in a lie about a girl (he didnt cheat or anything just lied) and he always says who cares how long were we together? I do things for him to surprise him and he doesn't appreciate it he gets mad that I went without him. I'm insecure about him being around other woman and he's insecure with me and I can't be around other men. Let me remind you I do not have the same past as him I have always been faithful. He gets jealous because I work mon-fri 8-5 and he usually works 5 odd days from 5-11 and then he stays up all night so that he can wake up two hours prior to working because thats how he feels refereshed, but he is jealous that I get to do stuff and he cant and I tell him to get up earlier and go do something and he sayshe cant blah blah. We have been together for 1 yr and 7 months and I am madly in love with him and I know he loves me because if he didnt all the shit I have put him through he would not still be around!!! My question is what can I do or say to keep our relationship going happily because right now I'm not. I try to talk to him about our problems he tells me that talking doesnt work, and hes right because we cant compromise. But we need to talk or else I'm going to get pushed too far and have to leave him and I don't want to because I love him. There's only so much a person can take. What can I do to help us both let go of our insecurities, make it so that we don't need to know each others every move and where we are or who we are with 24/7. I'm afraid if I give the freedom he will play. But I personally have no reason not to trust him, but still dont. I'm just worried and dont want to loose him! What do I do!!!

ANSWER: Hi Caroline,

I am happy that you are working on your issues.  You say you are working with an anger management counselor?  Any chance you could get him to go with you to counseling.  Maybe if he sees how that works he could be more supportive.  

You cannot control his behavior, and if you worry about him cheating it will drive a wedge in your relationship even if he does not cheat.  You cannot change the past and the future is not guaranteed.  Today is all you have.  Try to enjoy today and not worry about what tomorrow will bring.  You will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.  Until you have some real evidence that things are not what you want, enjoy life.   If you look for problems you will either find them or create them.  Promise him you will not cheat and ask the same of him then believe.

I hope this helps.

Tom Blair
Relationship Coach

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I have already asked him to go to counseling with me, he refuses. He has written down some things for my counselor to look at pertaining to my anger. As well as my counselor giving me exercises to do with him when I am angry.

I feel like we fight daily and that he is still stuck on who I used to be and blames it all on me. He is now accusing me of cheating this past 'week' because I have been acting 'weird' I haven't cheated obviously, I am just trying really hard to care less and not be down his throat all the time, and I tell him this but he just argue with me! I can't continue to argue or I'm going to get pushed too far.

I'm in love with him I truely am and I want this to work out! I just don't lkknow how to make him realize that hey, we dont need to argue and its not always me.

Hi again.

The one thing that I want you to understand is that it is not all your fault.  He is a major factor in the issues you are having.   If he is unwilling to make an effort,  well, that makes it much harder.  I am going to attach a link to a web site where you can down load an anger management booklet.  If he understands more about anger perhaps he will be more supportive.

We sell the class, but for you the class is free.

I hope this helps.

Tom Blair
Relationship Coach

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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