How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Need an opinion please

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Hello,

I am engaged, and i have a concern, and need an unbiased opinion...ive noticed that if i dont initiate contact with my fiance, i.e. affection, hugs, kisses, attention, anything sexual....it doesnt happen. i kiss her if i leave in the morning when shes there, but when its the other way around, she doesnt kiss me or even touch me in the morning. but when i dont do it, she gets an attitude...now if i stop being attentive, or not doing those things, she notices...ive mentioned this to her, and she says shell work on it...

for example, i came home for lunch, ate in another room because she was napping, she says i smack when i eat, so i ate in the other room, and watched tv...so i experimented, and when i was leaving i just said ok baby see u later, i didnt stop in to touch her or hug her, and she pouted and said i was being rude and distant...but she does this to me ALL THE TIME...

when shes studying, ill come in check on her, rub her neck her feet, to make sure shes relaxed...but i notice im always doing something for her, to make sure she feels good, its never the other way around. i really hate to sound like a nag or a whiner, but i have never had these types of issues in relationships. and it makes me question myself, her attraction for me, and if i am doing to much for her, i always thought you could never love your fiance or wife too much, and to always put your lady and her needs first...

now she is a virgin waiting till marriage, and i respect that, its going on two years of me being celibate, so im lacking in a lot of areas : )

i hope i dont sound too whiny, because im bothered by this, any feed back will be helpful...thank you for listening

Answer
Hello Mike,

I know this is frustrating for you, but it doesn't sound as though there is a fundamental problem in the relationship. And, I say this because when you pull back, she notices and doesn't like it. So, she yearns for the same thing yo want. the difference is that you are willing to offer it to her, but for some reason she's not.

That probably doesn't mean that she's acting this way because she is questioning the relationship. I would wager that this is how she's always been. I bet she's never been very affectionate in her past relationships. Could be that her parents were never very affectionate, so she didn't have models to learn from. Could even be that her parents didn't give her many hugs and kisses. It doesn't mean they didn't love her, but families express love different ways, and we often mirror those ways within our own relationships.

So, that just means that her lack of affection probably has nothing to do with how she feels for you. that might put you at ease a bit, but that doesn't change that you still want her to initiate kisses and hugs and the like.

I would suggest that you first both take this quiz to find which Love Language she speaks (http://www.the-relationship-coach.com/five-love-languages-quiz.html). I would bet that she would not rate high on "Physical Touch". But, then you would know how she does express her feelings for you. You may be surprised that she's been doing it all along, but you hadn't recognized it.

It sounds like she would like to be more affectionate, but that it doesn't come natural for her. You two could work on setting a goal. Maybe something like: Each day she initiates five intimate touches, five kisses and says "I love you" fie times. I know it sounds silly, but if you start to make her aware of the affection she's giving you, it could become easier for her down the road.

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