How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Grumpy man


I've been living with my boyfriend for five years. We were both married before, I'm 48 and he's 60. Lately he's always' upset and I feel very frustrated because I feel that there's NOTHING I can say or do that can makes him happy. Seems like the more I try to cheer him up the more upset he gets. I ask him what's bothering him and I get no answer. He ignores me and sometimes I just feel that he HATES me and can't stand what I say or do. I try to have a conversation and seems like he never likes what I say.
Sometime he express his frustration for being unable to find a job. He's being applying for thousands of jobs, sometimes he gets interviews but hasn't find a job yet. I have a full time job. I'm not sure if the job situation is what makes him so mad. Sometimes I just think that is personal, that he just hates my and that we don't have anything in common any longer. He's never happy and neither am I because he just NEVER smile.

Hello Bagriela,

A man's self-value is closely tied to his occupation and so this might explain a lot of his behavior. When people are pouting, which seems to be a good deal of his behavior, it is best to ignore the behavior. The important thing is that you remain cheerful and keep moving forward in your life. When you keep trying to cheer him up and it makes it worse, it is best to leave him to his own problems.

So, this is what you do. Absolutely do not take any responsibility for his happiness. That means do not ask him what is wrong or say anything about his moods. Be polite and pleasant to him but absolutely do nothing to try to cheer him up or help him with his mood. This is not your problem and it is not your responsibility to make him happy.  Then see if his behavior changes. If he starts talking opening up to you then listen and then tell him that you believe in him no matter whether he has a job or not and that you are sure he will get a job pretty soon.

His behavior good easily be a way of him controlling you, even though his feelings are understandable. He might feel a bit jealous that you have a job and is subconsciously trying to make you suffer as well. These are only possibilities and there is no need to judge him for his behavior but also you should not allow his moods to affect your own happiness.

If his behavior does not change for the better and he keeps treating you badly then do this:  Sit down and tell him that you feel badly that he has not gotten a job but that it is not your fault and you are not okay with the way he is treating you. Tell him that you still believe in him and love him but that you know that you cannot help him or make him happy and so you are going to stand back and let him deal with his own problems. Tell him that if he wants you do something specifically to help then he will need to ask you but from now on you will not try to solve this problem. Tell him that it is affecting your relationship and even though you understand why, you also cannot deal with it on a constant basis.

Tell him that you will just continue to love him and be kind to him but if he is in a bad mood and is negative you are going to leave the scene--either leave the room and do something else or leave the house so you can be around pleasant people.

If you stop feeding his self-pity and remain cheerful, as I suggested at first it just might change for the better or it might get worse and you will need to take the next steps.

I do hope this helps.  Let me know how it goes.

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant/Life Coach  

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall


Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

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Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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