How to Strengthen Your Relationship/help is needed


Hello, I want to tell you something and hopefully you can help me.
Some background info - I am a 28yo male, married for a couple of years and have been suffering on and off from depression for a good few years. Most of my depression is related to me and my personality. I should try to explain a bit more. I have always been a quiet and shy person. I get on well with pretty much anyone but I dont have any close friends, even among members of my family who I rarely see. I guess at times I feel lonely and would like to be more 'normal' (you probably hate that word but there it is). The situation is probably not helped by my wife working out of the country during the week and only back at weekends. Lately I have tried to be a bit more sociable with my work friends and also my wifes sister and her partner (just together, not married or engaged). I have been to see a counseller to talk about my depression and other issues for a few weeks. This week was a very tough week, I think things just got on top of me a bit too much - being lonely, cold weather, wife away etc.. and a bad week in work. On one of the evenings, my wifes sister came round for a cup of tea and a chat and I guess she could see something wasnt quite right with me and was asking questions. I guess I was at a particularly low point so I blurted out everything about how I had been feeling lately etc... and had a bit of a cry. My wifes sister offered me a hug which is just what i needed. However, as we separated, I kissed her. Im not really too sure what happened next, I think she was just surprised and caught offguard really while I apologised. Im not sure how long she stayed before getting a taxi, might have been 5mins or 30mins, its all a blur. Since then I have thought of nothing else. It's probably not helped by the fact that I find my sister in law very attractive and I think about her quite a bit while masturbating during the week/in shower etc... Ive even fantasised about her wearing her bridesmaid's dress for me. I guess all of this has me more confused than ever!
What do you think about my situation?

Hello Damien,

You contacted me about this not long ago. Below is my response. If you have new revelations and/or need clarification, feel free to contact me again. Glad to hear you are talking with a counselor. I think the endorphins thing (at the end of the initial message I sent) is really important. Here's what I wrote you last time:

It's normal to feel attracted to a beautiful woman. It's okay to appreciate a gorgeous woman, and you probably see things in her that remind you of your wife, whom you are missing and longing for. So, in a way, K is kind of filling the void of your wife.

The problem lies in the fact that you are not just appreciating her for her beauty, but you are tempted to act upon that feeling, jeopardizing your marriage, your friendship with her, and your wife's relationship with her sister.

I am wondering if K is flirting with you or trying to lead you on. No matter if she is or not, having her continue to come over is NOT the best thing for you to do. That's just bringing a fox to the chicken house. Eventually something is going to happen and then you are all in a world of hurt.

I know you are lonely and feel depressed, but there are a few things you can do other than invite your wife's friend over and try not to make a pass at her. First, try connecting with your wife the four days she is gone. Take a look at this piece I wrote about long-distance relationships, because in essence that's what this is (

The other thing you need to do is to get some endorphins flowing by getting on a sports team, going to the gym, spending time with guys from work and creating a new social circle. You need to get out of the house while your wife is gone and start connecting with others. That will ease the necessity of spending time with K and alleviate the possibility of losing your marriage.

Good luck.

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