How to Strengthen Your Relationship/I'm not sure how I feel...
Hi, my name is Samantha, I'm 19 & I basically need some advice, I have no one else to turn too. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now & he is the most genuine guy I've ever met & before a couple months ago I was really happy with him but recently he seems to be pushing me away. I know he loves me but he lies to me about the littlest of things which wouldn't bother me but the fact that he lies to me about them really upsets me. I've told him I feel as though we're drifting away but he doesn't seem to do anything about it. We have some friends who about 2 months ago got their own flat & as me & my boyfriend still live with our parents it's nice to go to theirs & chill with them but it's all my boyfriend seems to want to do, everytime I ask to do something just the 2 of us he turns me down. I do love him but he just seems to be pushing me away.
Another thing which is really bothering me, for my job I work in the local Rugby Club & I'm really close to all the Rugby guys. After work on Saturday me & the rest of the bar maids got invited out round our village for drinks & one of the guys I'm really attracted to, on Saturday all we did was flirt, nothing physical happened but we ended up going back to one of the lads houses & had a few drinks there & we all ended up stopping their the night. I ended up getting in bed with this guy I'm attracted too & he told me that he likes me aswel, we was in bed talking & he's recently split up with his girlfriend & I got really close to him, I'm really comfortable round him. Anyway, when we decided to go to sleep we had a cuddle in bed & he started coming onto me, by kissing my neck & tickling my back, I told him no & he stopped but the thing that's really making me think is that I considered it & it makes me ashamed that my relationship has got to this point cos I do love my boyfriend but he just doesn't seem to care anymore. I told my boyfriend that I stopped over at this persons house (with everyone because there was other people) & he seemed fine, the next morning I felt as though I'd cheated even though nothing happened so I told my boyfriend that I did end up sharing a bed with another guy but I didn't tell him about him coming onto me. He was upset with me but he knows nothing happened as he does trust me. My boyfriend picked me up later that day & all I could think about was this other guy & I can't get him out of my head! I've been thinking about him all day, I have his number & I've been wanting to text him but I've not cos I know it's wrong. I've always found this guy attractive but it's now to the point where I really have feelings for him & I can't get him out of my head. He's a lovely guy but I know he wouldn't be good in a relationship with me as the reason he's split up with his ex girlfriend is because she wanted marriage & children & he doesn't, however, I want all those things so I know we wouldn't work out. It sounds bad but I just want to split up with my boyfriend for one night so I can sleep with this other guy then get back with my boyfriend. I know how awful that sounds but I really like this guy. When he was coming onto me the other night I was so turned on & I really wanted to act on it but I'm not a cheater & I hate people that do cheat so I didn't, but it's the fact that I really wanted too which upsets me. I've not felt the same about my boyfriend since & all I can think about is this other guy! I feel so guilty even saying all this cos I had admitting that my relationship is in trouble. It makes it even harder as I see this guy quite a lot at work too, he doesn't actually work there but he's one of the Rugby guys who comes in quite a lot & there's so much sexual tension & lust between the 2 of is & I don't know how to handle it or deal with it. I want my relationship back to the way it was cos I used to hate the thought of sleeping with anyone else other than my boyfriend & I never used to even look twice at other guys but there's just something about this one guy & I really like him. If I knew he was up for kids & marriage I think I would actualy consider leaving my boyfriend for him if he was willing to actually go out with me but I know he doesn't want that.
What can I do about this situation cos it's really getting me down!
It is very common for people to change at your age and grow apart. In fact, it almost always happens because many emotional and physical changes are taking place and it takes until around age 25 to really know who you are and what you want out of life and people hardly ever grow in the same direction.
However, it is really a bad idea to go to bed with this other guy for the main reason that it is really not smart to go to bed with anyone who would not make a good husband and father and also because the more partners you havek the riskier it is to get STD's. Who know who he might have slept with the week before and unknowingly have something.
As to your boyfriend, it is pretty obvious that it is not working for you and probably time for you to move on. Either you are not ready for a lifetime committed relationship or he is not that compatible. If you like to go out and do things and your boyfriend won't do that, then he is really not willing to put much effort into the relationship, as well.
A good relationship is where both parties want to fill the other partner's needs--mutually loving and giving relationship.
The problem with being in a committed relationship at this age is that one or the other almost always gets restless and feels like they have not been able to be young and carefree and explore life. The time during these years is best spent on concentrating on preparing for the future with education and career and learning about yourself and what you want out of life.
Now, one thing. Even when you are happily married there are temptations and physical attractions that can happen. You do not have to give in to them and in this case I highly recommend you do not. Of course, spending time in bed with someone and thinking they won't be turned on sexually is not being realistic. Sleeping with someone is as good as an open invitation for sexual advances.
How to handle lust, as you rightly call it, is to get busy doing other things in your life that keep you from temptation. If you live a well-rounded life where you have balance there won't be so much temptation.
We are never happy simply living on a physical level but must use our brains and the spirit within to live on a higher level.
It is time for you to take stock and decide right now what kind of life you want to live and then take action accordingly.
I hope this helps and that you do what is truly best for you.