How to Strengthen Your Relationship/is this the end?

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Leon,
  I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. Of course, things were peachy at first. I understand the honeymoon has to end sometime. I've been mildly satisfied at most with our time together. This Christmas eve however, The figurative S*** hit the proverbial fan. I always accept her for her faults. There is,however, one character flaw i cannot see past. Any time I am upset by anything, she always makes me the bad guy. If She says something to upset me, I'll end up being the bad guy for being "mean" because I wont smile a her and kiss her and coddle her. I ALWAYS have to apologize. I've lived with this for half a decade but this Christmas eve she reached a new low. I was hosting a party for my family at my house that evening. I told her to come and she literally rolled her eyes and made a sound of audible disgust.  I expressed to her my need for her to be there. I assured her that I would be very upset if she did not come. She had no excuse. Needless to say she didn't show and I was upset. I left my own party and drove across town to see her that night. I found her in her room watching movies and having dinner. This is what she blew me off for? I was obviously upset, and was unable to totally disguise my disappointment. We never talked about it. The next day (Christmas day) I meet her outside of her workplace. We both drive to her house. When i get out of my car, she confronts me."How long are you going to be mad?!" she demands to know. She asks me if i was going to hold this over her head all week. I explain to her that him very upset and that I'm not just going to stop being hurt. She asked me why I even came over. I can take a hint so i hightailed it out of there. The next morning I get a text message from her that read ver-batim "I know you're probably still upset. When you're ready to be friends you know my number" Who does she think she is? I'm infuriated with her and honestly very fed up. I cant picture myself marrying or carrying on with a woman who will never say "I'm sorry" ,who will never take responsibility, or who will never be accountable for anything in our relationship. I have for years expressed my discontent with this Character flaw of hers, to no avail. I'm completely lost. Do you suggest I break it off with her? I don't think she'll ever change. Thank you in advance for your help sir. I wish you a happy new year!

Answer
Hello Jason,

I can hear your frustration and it's totally understandable. Her basically asking how much longer you'll be upset with her shows that she doesn't quite understand how she hurt you. It sounds as though she thinks you "acting" mad is her punishment for her actions, as if you have decided to be mad with her for a specific amount of time. She doesn't get that you were hurt and that she disappointed you. You don't get to switch your emotions on and off. You don't get to decide that you will be upset for a week, then you'll be fine.

Before you break it off with her, I think you need to be sure that you express yourself clearly so that you will have no regrets down the road. She needs to hear and understand how he reactions affected you, but far too often a conversation like that is attacking on one side and defending on the other. If you really want her to hear you, if you truly want her to realize how she hurt you, I suggest you use "I" statements when talking with her. Here's a link to show you how (http://couplescommittedtolove.com/a/reports/make-it-all-about-you/).

Hopefully this will be the kick that she needs to realize what she's been doing and maybe she'll start to make changes. It could take some time for her to change the way you would like, but if you see she's putting in the effort, it might be wise to continue investing in this relationship, but if she defends and denies and doesn't try to make changes, it sounds as though you are done with this.

You have a choice. You can break up with her, end it and move on. You also can suggest a break. It could be that a break is what she'll need if "I" statements aren't enough. A break allows you both time and space from the relationship and time to reflect on changes and what the next step should be. Read this to learn more (http://couplescommittedtolove.com/a/reports/taking-a-break/).

What it really comes down to is if there are more positives or more negatives in this relationship. If there are more positives, it might be worth salvaging. If there are more negatives, you can first try to help her change the negatives to positives. If you're still left with more negatives, walking away my be your best bet.

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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