How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Husband leaving

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Question
I didn't realize we were having problems. My husband says our lives are too stressful & combative. We don't even fight & we do everything together.

He is still in the house. He is going to counseling with me. He says he will give his A effort.

However, he texts his technician at work & then deletes her texts although he swears there is nothing going on. He no longer touches me, yet he calls me every day at lunch.

He says he is leaving after the holidays, yet he makes plans for the future.

How do I handle this? He says if I tell him to leave now he will.

I can't eat or sleep. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want our marriage to be over, yet I don't know what steps to take to save it.

Answer
Hi Lynda,

I am sorry to hear that you are having some problems.
I believe that as long as both of you want to try, the relationship can be saved.  

Relationships are based upon each of you having your relationship needs met.

Those needs are: affection, respect, communication, companionship, family and financial support, and sex.

Affection are the gestures of love.  Usually small things like hugs, smiles, gentle touches, kind words and non sexual kisses.  Every one needs to feel loved and this is how we show love.   Take a look at how you are giving affection, or even ask him how he feels about it.   And see how you can show him more love.

Respect and admiration are especially high on many men's needs list.   But every one needs to know that they are respected and admired for their contributions to the relationship.  Do you regularly tell him the you appreciate his efforts?  Do you thank him?

Communication is our way of connecting.  We are social animals, we need to have regular and frequent communication.  This should be more along the lines of small talk, light and friendly.  What you saw today that made you laugh, things that sound like fun stuff, things you did in the past that were fun and you might like to do again are some of the kinds of things to talk bout.  Just make sure it is not work or chore related.

Companionship is the need that when not met is more likely to lead to straying.  It is very important that we do fun things together.  You probably already know what his hobbies are.  You should find a way to share his enthusiasm.  This does not mean that you take up golf to be near him, but that you show him support by asking how his day went and congratulate him on a good day.  Watch the game of the week with him.  Know who his favorite team or players are and have some idea as to how they are doing.

Family and financial support is merely doing your share to make sure the family is well taken care of.  If your job in the family is to cook dinner, do as good a job at that as you can.  Just make the effort to hold up your end.

Sex has a couple of components.  First is attraction.  Do your best to make your self as attractive as you can.  In every day life try to look as good as you can.  Dress nicely, use appropriate make up, and smile often.  I don't mean dress provocatively in public.  But there may be a time and a place for that.  If all of the other needs are being met then sex should follow naturally.  Sex should be frequent enough and satisfying for both partners.  If either of you are not getting this need met talk about where and how you can improve the experience.

Take a look at these needs and see where you can improve.  In a balanced relationship he should be meeting those very same needs for you.  A conversation with him about those needs to see where you and he can improve might be a productive activity.

Good luck,

Tom Blair
Relationship Coach

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Tom Blair

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Published author. Questions related to strengthening and saving relationships and marriages. Sex coaching questions. Questions related to mature singles re-entering the dating world after a death of a spouse or a divorce.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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