How to Strengthen Your Relationship/MY MARRIAGE


Hi, I stepped into the marriage with an open heart. I moved in from a much richer and bigger house to theirs, but all i cared was a nice future with my husband. But i end up feeling alone, humiliated but everyone is playing a victim here, i want to know how i can help others and myself. i have questions regarding my husband's behavior in our marriage. We have been married since one year, it was an arrange marriage but thats just the custom. Problems have started before the wedding but the wedding never stopped. My family thought they are giving their only daughter in a house where her husband and his mother are living. And they were satisfied about the future and privacy/space of this marriage. Coming closer to the wedding they find that the house is under the name of my sister in law and she is moving here with her husband. This made my parents felt cheated and they started giving my inlaws attitude and show of anger in everything. Which was being sensed by them and they were building a grudge. My dad promised a car as gift but he backed off too at the end. My parents gave entire family gifts but didnt get a personalized gift to my husband except some cash. So for me these things are not huge but i didnt know until i went in there house. Entire year i was blamed, given taunts that what my parent did, and how come i didnt do anything. So his behavior was getting weird day by day. Few things to know before i proceed is that he has lost his dad 5 year ago. He is the oldest and the last one to get married in the house. So i noticed in his sexual behavior that he didnt seem much into sex much comparing to other 31 year old males from what i hear. He can go on without being intimate for months and would not initiate. He was not comfortable being around my friends. He never offered me any financial help. He never asked me a single question about my past, or discussed future. I would always initiate conversations. He would come home late and spend 4 hours playing video games at night and on weekends. Will make plans for him on weekends to be busy. Every time i talk he will be stuck at day one. saying go ask your parents i am not happy and if i am not happy i cant make you happy. Go figure out what to do. I begged him to move on but i failed. I had to sell the jewelry i got from them in wedding coz i left quit job for my wedding and needed to pay bills and felt bad asking my parents. So all the time the mother in law kept bugging me about where is the jewelry put it in my locker. I said no its fine in my locker. Then she started brain washing my husband so he can keep asking me about it. Another thing in out custom there is a dowry placed before the wedding that if anything happens or divorce the guy has to pay that to the wife for her future and security. My parents kept an outrageous amount of $100,000 and said if you agree then sign otherwise u can back off. He signed it. But i didnt know day and night entire family was living in a grudge and taunting me of how come the amount was so high and that i should forgive it, I said i dont care about that i care about the relationship, il forgive you the amount but you need to pay attention to the relationship. He goes give me in written which i didnt get a chance. I felt suffocating in all this living in a house with all these people where the sister is basically running the show and controlling my husband including the mother. I called up a lady who knows both families thinking she may guide me or have both families sit down and drop their issues to move on. That lady wasnt the right person to call, she made it worse by creating drama letting them know that i called her to curse out my in laws. My husband was ready to leave me that night he double locked the doors and i was outside at night waiting. Anyway i get in somehow and ever since i was given ultimatum to either end the marriage, or go back to my parents or support a separate living for me and my husband but he will not pay, he will keep paying to the house his moms lives in coz she dosent wana move out in a smaller place with us. I didnt wanted to end my marriage i wanted to give him another chance, and didnt wanted to go back home. So i said il tc of the expenses u tc of utilities at least and co-sign with me the apartment coz m not comfortable alone signing. He agreed but then got brain washed by mother and said u can sign alone i am not comfortable. I said i wont so i guess i will leave. I left and staying with my friend. Still hoping things to get better and him to realize. He didn't contacted me for 2 days then leaves a vm saying that he noticed i took my everyday wearing jewelry from the room, so i mite as well come back and take everything else coz hez changing the locks. I am also taking a chem course having exams, n i just cudnt study after that.I was very disturbed. And now they keep texting me inquiring about the jwelry they gave me on the wedding which again according to custom is not thiers anymore. I still wana work on my marraige, i dont know if there is something wrong with him or what. I dont know if this behaviour is normal o rhte reaction is normal and maybe i can fix by doing something. In indian pakistani muslim culture i can expect worse things but still we know that its wrong. I want to know because he acts like hez more american. So is this all Americanized and does any american support that. If you find me wrong i would like to know so i can fix it, coz i want to move on with him becaue i didnt do anything wrong, i singed up for a commitment and i want to do everything to fulfill it, i love my husband but unfortunately he dosent realize. Thnx and sorry it was so long.

Hi, Sonia,

I am not a fan of arranged marriages.  In general marriages should be based on mutual attraction, respect, and love.  Arranges marriages can work but both parties must accept the conditions and work to create a loving relationship.

It sounds to me like this is a financial arrangement and not a marriage arrangement.  So much focus on financial issues can not be good for a marriage.  

To answer your questions,  this does not meet the standard American idea of proper behavior.  That is not to say all American relationships are ideal.

You should feel loved and supported in the marriage.  To save your relationship you might try to get your husband to create a home for just the two of you.  Without the interference of all the in laws.  Then the two of you could work on creating a loving relationship.  Explain to him that if he wants the relationship to work you two need time together, with out any in laws, to learn to love each other. And to work on building a strong relationship.  

If he is not willing to try to work on the relationship,  I suggest you consider a divorce.  

Good luck,

Tom Blair
Relationship Coach

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Tom Blair


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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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