How to Strengthen Your Relationship/relationship advice

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Question
Hello I am 30 yrs old & have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs.  We also have 2 children together. In the beginning our relationship was better than great we had an amazing connection!!  I had never felt anything like it before!  After 3 months of living together I became pregnant which was great we were both ecstatic! He was so wonderful very helpful & understanding of all things that come with a hormonal pregnant woman. Shortly after our son was born things began to  he wasn't as helpful or supportive of my feelings. I thought it was just stress from a new baby & didn't put to much into it. I got pregnant again when our son was 7 months old yea big surprise! I of course freaked he said we'd be fine things will be ok. As my pregnancy went on he started slipping further away sleeping on the couch instead of in the bed with me he wasn't at all interested in sex which made me feel rejected. Now our daughter is 8 months old & things have gotten worse. He shows no affection he only kisses me or says I love you when he's leaving. I hug him & get nothing back I feel so unwanted! I expressed my feelings to him & he says he does love me & always has & that I think to much nothing is wrong he's just tired & the kids are stressful. I completely understand having kids does put a strain on the relationship. I'm a stay at home mom & I do take things out on him I apologize for it when it happens. I just feel like were skipping away from each other & I don't know how to fix it.

Answer
Dear Jennifer,

Relationships work best when they are done in order. You do not begin to know someone in three months--it takes 1 1/2 to 2 years to really know a person and have a courtship. So, right off you got pregnant and place a burden on a relationship that wasn't really even established, even though it seemed like it was.  Then, to top it off you got pregnant again and now he feels the burden of a marriage that he probably thinks he really didn't ask for.

Yes, it seemed exciting to be pregnant but then the reality of the difficulty of having a family hit him.

He doesn't sleep with you or be affectionate because he is afraid you will get pregnant again and that is very likely since you were careless in the first place and he doesn't trust you. He sounds like he is a good man who feels overburdened with the whole family thing before he was really ready.

I think he does love you but is afraid of the consequences of having sex.

I suggest that you make sure you do not get pregnant again until he is ready and HE wants it to happen. I am going to say something important here that you will have to carefully think about so you do not repeat it and this is it. Women often subconsciously get pregnant so they can hold their man and believe me--that is how the man feels when it is not planned. Being a bit "careless" shows that this might be what has happened to you. Once, maybe, an honest mistake. Twice, more than likely, is a passive/aggressive behavior.

So, if you want affection you must make sure you are fully doing what is necessary to prevent pregnancy and convince him that an "whoops" pregnancy will not happen again. For that to work you must be very honest with your feelings so that you won't repeat your subconscious behavior.

The next thing to do is to read the book by Dr. Laura Schlesinger, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". This books shows you how to be your husband's girlfriend.  Another thing you might do is to figure out a way to earn extra money while staying at home with your children which also would show him that you are fully into participating as a partner unless he makes enough so that you are already comfortable.

Now, one more thing. The book will help you so that you do not dump on him when he gets home. One way to be a better partner is to read good and positive books while he is gone. If you watch soap opera's  they will drag you down and reinforce your problems and make you restless in your homemaking and ready to dump your problems on him. Keep good things going in your brain and do things to develop your brain. Either take a class or Join or start a support group for mothers where you share and exchange ideas on parenting, etc. In other words, then you can be more pleasant and happy when he comes home so that he wants to be with you. Take responsibility for your own happiness and personal growth and development so that you do not expect him to solve all your problems and make you happy. You can't give to another person from an empty cup and it is your job to keep that cup filled to a large extent.

I do hope this helps. Go to my website. www.personalityconsultant.com  I have a very reasonably priced introductory one session coaching offer that might interest you and help you to make some changes where you will be more productive, happier, and be able to do things that will positively help your relationship.

I wish you the best,

Sharon Crandall
Personality Science Consultant/Life Coach  

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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