How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Becoming closer to boyfriend



I have a few things I need to work on. I suffered from an eating disorder 3 years ago. I eat fine now, thats all perfectly normal and my thoughts and relationship with food is normal, but im still so insecure about myself and jealous about others.

I met my bf 1 year ago, been together since. It was all fine, I felt amazing, sexy, beautiful and wanted by him. Then negative thoughts came back to my head.

I moved in 6 months ago and we live with his sister whose my age (we have formed a strong bond) and my bfs best friend (who is also really close to me now) so its a pretty cool house! I am 20, and bf is turning 22.
Lately I have all these negative thoughts and scenarios going on in my head. I have lost trust in him for reasons I create. I snoop on him which I want to stop (I never find anything bad) and if hes on the computer with his friend sometimes they'll look at women on sites. I look at his saved photos and theres about 5 of huge boobs and sexy women. I feel part of him wants to still explore other women and how can a sexy 22 year old guy just be with one girl? That devastates me because I only have eyes for him and do not want to experience other guys. Its not who I am.

So last night I wrote him a long email (he knew I've been feeling down, I stayed at my mums last night and he said to write it all down and send it to him) So i explained everything 4 years back from when i did modelling, and how my eating disorder created my insecurities.

I just want to get the old me back when i first saw him, i was so confident and carefree. I started on loxalate 5mg yesterday. But after I send him the email last night, when i saw him the next morning i cried again because i felt embarrassed. he was there for me and wanted to understand me. He is away for 5 days seeing family, and I want to fix myself better when he's back. But i still feel i want to talk about my insecurities with him.
How can i get us back to our old selves?

many thanks

Dear Georgia,

I really can't give you all the help you need in just one or two questions/answers. Your relationship with your boyfriend has problems based from your lack of self-confidence. When I work with people in coaching, it usually takes several months of weekly sessions by phone to establish self-confidence and skills to handle just about any situation that comes along without going back into self-doubt.

One of the problems here is that it might have been a mistake to go into all the history and detail of your problem. This is why. Men tend to get very frustrated when they cannot fix a situation and when they realize they cannot fix it they tend to withdraw because it feels like too much of a burden.

While you might need medication for the moment, medication only masks the problem and the problem keeps growing underneath. That is why one of the most important things you can do is to develop self-confidence in every way you can. There is a formula for developing self-confidence. 1.  Take responsibility for your own happiness. No one or no situation can make you either happy or unhappy. Happiness has to be found within you. Know who you are. You are part of God and Universal energy. You are designed to be happy and successful and have all the tools you need right inside you to find that place. 2. Accept the fact that you are just like everyone else in that each person is a combination of strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges. This means that it is a total waste of time and energy to compare yourself with another human being because there are no two people alike in this universe.  3..Step outside your comfort zone and do things that are hard for you to do. Every time you overcome something or accomplish something that is difficult for you to do, you build one more brick of confidence.  4. Whenever you start to feel self-doubt immediately change your focus and think about how you can make someone else feel better about themselves. Do an act of charity, call a lonely friend, do something positive. 5. Take classes, read self-help books. Fill your brain with possibility thinking instead of negative doubt. Take charge of your mind. You not an animal that is helpless and has to behave as programmed. You can choose what you think and what you do.,

As to your boyfriend. It is important that you tell him that you do not want him to take on your problems because they are your problems and all you need is patience while you work on your life. Tell him that you would prefer, however that he not look at porn or other women because no woman likes that because it make them feel like they will never measure up to what seems to attract him. Tell him that looking at other women like that is a form of cheating and you would hope he would let that kind of stuff alone.

This might help him think that he is helping you if he does what you ask.  It is important to ask a guy to do or not do things that are specific. General descriptions of how you feel do not get across to a guy. Women understand and can figure things like that out, but not guys. They need specific things to do or not to do.

Now, you said that before, you were confident and carefree but actually, you happiness was temporary because it was based on how good he was making you feel at first when he chose you, etc.  This means that you have based your happiness on outside events rather than inside development. When that first excitement wears off then you were left to yourself and your feelings of self-doubt.

Now, he is still young and if he, indeed, still wants to explore other women then you cannot control that. You can control your own happiness and how you treat another person but that is it. You will stop checking on him and feeling scared and jealous when you realize that you are a strong woman and can live through whether someone else cares for you or not and whether someone else is true to you or not. Your confidence lies in that you are a survivor and will be okay no matter how this turns out. If he turns out to be unable to be true to one woman then you must let him go but don't keep trying to second guess him. Accept what you have and enjoy what you have in the moment. That is all you have anyway. the past is gone and the future may hold something very different than what you visualize so learn how to live and enjoy each moment.

Well, I don't know how much help I have given. The key to your relationship is to minimize your problems and assure him that you are working on them and that the important thing is for you both to concentrate on creating the best relationship right now that you can. Get him to focus on doing fun things together, rather than hashing over and over all the problems. You need to put those behind you as soon as possible.

Now, think about this. Your telling him all the details of your past and current problems might be a way of you trying to get the attention you think you need in order to be happy--or looking to outside forces to solve your problems and/or to make you happy. What you must do is to realize that it was your thinking patterns that caused your problems and only changing your thinking patterns now is the answer, and the only valid answer to solving your problems.

So, with your boyfriend take it one step at a time and try to make things as pleasant as possible when you are with him and stop checking on him, etc.

I know that this might take some time, that is why there are coaching programs like mine and other programs--to help people weekly work on creating new ways of thinking and acceptance. My introductory coaching session is only $25.  You may want to take advantage of that. Otherwise, feel free to respond once more with comments and questions, here on allexperts. I can be contacted on my website below.

I wish you the best,

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant/Life Coach  

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall


Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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