How to Strengthen Your Relationship/I need some understanding....
Hi, My name is Courtney. I am in a very confusing situation that I cant seem to understand. This may be a little long but I am trying to give you an idea of the entire situation. I have a daughter who is 10 months old, her father and I have been together for 2 years on and off. It was a very rocky and unstable relationship, as honestly he wasnt the man for me. We argued alot about getting his priorities together, and just growing up in general. He hadnt grown up and became a responsible man at all, and was doing alot of running the streets and drinking in which he has done primarily most of his life. Even though he is 30 years old, he had never been in a relationship before, where he was living together or being considered a couple. Well our relationship was on and off at least every 2 weeks, where we would say it was over and not talk for a while, it was basically because i was fighting against this life that he loved so much. I am a nurse and alot more settled down then he was. I knew that we were incompatible but I fell in love with the good times we would have and I thought that if I stuck in there things would get better. Well he was so loyal to all his family and friends but not to me. I showed him dedication and I tried my hardest to motivate him to do better, and help him along the way. There were several instances where I thought he had cheated and my heart told me, but I listened to his stories and gave him the benefit of the doubt. My pregnancy was horrible, we argued all the time, he ran around with his friends, and I spent most of the time stressed, angry, and crying. After I gave birth to my daughter, he had a horrible family situation come up that made him start to look at how he was living his life, and I could see that he was trying to settle down a bit and stop taking things for granted, we had plans for us to move and start our life over the right, even though he hadnt changed completely, the wake up call was beginning, then the worse happened, he was arrested. He has been in jail since March 2012, and over the time of talking and looking at his life and our relationship, he has taken the time to look at all he had done wrong, and he tells me why and how. He says he didnt value life nor his priorities, and was just living day by day, he says he has never had anyone in his life like me, and he treated me so bad bc he thought I was going against what he thought was right, which is what he see isnt right. since he has been arrested, I have been there for him when everyone that he thought would be wasnt. He says he is glad he was arrested bc he wouldve never seen how bad he was living life was and that he needed to change. He says he was a bad person that didnt have character and he is trully sorry for all that he put me through. He has admitted alot of things while he was there. One of them is he cheated on me with his 10 year old son's mother. at the beginning of my pregnancy, One night he was drinking and we were arguing and she saw him at a store and mentioned for him to come over and he did. Being that he didnt come back until the next morning, I put him out. So then he went and stayed with her for about a week, he says there was no feelings there or anything, he just was living for the moment without any regard for anyone else or himself. after the situation happened, I went there bc I saw his car there and she lied and told me that he wasnt there. I got angry and I busted out his windows, well the next day he claimed he wasnt there and he was angry and we were very saying mean things to one another. about a week and a half later he sent me flowers, and told me he was sorry, but he lied and said that he wasnt staying over there with her and that he was just there with his son. Since he has been incarcerated he said that he has been praying for our relationship because he wants to be with me so bad and keep our family, he says during prayer, he decided that if he was going to do right then he needed to come clean about the situation, and I agreed and told him that trust cant be built until the lies stop. So he admitted that he did sleep with her and that he stayed there for about a week. He says that he wasnt thinking about me or our relationship, his life was a wreck and he was just doing what he wanted for the moment. He is begging for a second chance to make things right. and he swears that he loves me and that he would never do anything like that again. My problem is that I have never been able to forgive a person and try to move past cheating bc I have never understood it. He left me to go be with the son's mother for a week and no matter how many times i ask him why and he explains, it doesnt make me feel any better. I have been told that in order to salvage a relationship you have to be able to let it go. the reason I am having a hard time letting it go is because I question the feeling between him and her, and i question is love for me. He is pouring his heart out to me and I dont know what to do. I still love him, but I am so hurt, and maybe because I dont have a understanding as to how someone can do something like that. He says that people make mistakes and he just wants another chance to have his family and to change EVERYTHING about himself. I just dont know how to heal if I dont understand why. and I dont know how to rebuild if I question his love for me. His son's mother and him have never really been in a relationship ever since the child was born, they were kids in HS when they had their son, but even though he says he didnt have feelings for her, I still wonder. Its tearing me up, and more so because I cant come to a decision that I will be at peace with. I know people have gotten through these situations but how. I do believe that this incaracteration was a wake up call to him bc of all the things involved ( I cant really discuss), but God has showed him so much in these 10 months that he is been in jail. When we talk about the cheating, the anger and hurt comes rushing back and he says that if I cant forgive him then he understands, but he really wants to show me how much he loves me and make things better. He wants to get married and start our family over. he says he prays that God will give him a chance to be with me & now he sees that I am the best thing that ever happened to him & he is willing to do anything... Please give me some insight into what you think about this, and how do i know if trying it again is right for me? and how to try to get past this?
I certainly understand your dilemma. He hurt you, he destroyed your trust in him. Trust is hard won and easily lost. He did not do one or two things, he did many. I would not forget those things. Forgiving is for you so you and move on from a bad situation. I would not tell him all is forgiven and welcome him back into your life. He needs to earn your love and respect. He needs to prove to you that he has truly changed. And that is what he needs to know. He needs to know that to get you back he will have to prove he is worthy of you love. He needs to get a job and provide for you and his child. He needs to prove to you that he won't cheat the first time you argue.
How do you know? Imagine the life you want. Will he help you get that life or will he hold you back?