How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Please help

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Question
Hi Sharon, im having some difficulties with my relationship, im only 14 years old , i know :( , a little young for strong relationships, but i feel like ive found my true love. My girlfriend and i have been together for quite a while now but recently Ive been feeling that she doesnt love me as much as i love her. We sorted that out last night, we were both confused about our feelings for eachother , but after solving it i feel that ive found the girl of my life. It doesnt sound believable but our love for each other is so strong that we both think about each other all day :( . Last night she said that she also wanted this to last but she was scared that i was mad at her and she didnt want to get hurt because she loves me so much. I told her that i was never mad at her, i was only confused and sad that i thought she didnt love me. She said that she felt the same way. I promised her that i would never let her go, and that i would never break her heart, that i wanted to spend the rest of my time with, and she feels. The same way. She said in one of the messages that she didnt know if she could do this because she was too busy for a relationship right now :'( , please tell me what to do Sharon, i truly need your help. I cant let this happen, i love her so much that i cant have this happen right now :( I cant lose her, or i lose my chance at finding my true love, because she's it.

Answer
Dear Brendon,

I am not saying that it is not possible she is the one forever; it is just that it rarely happens for several reasons. The teenage years are when there are many changes taking place in individuals. Too often, people grow in different directions and that leaves one person loving more than the other and it also indicates that one person might grow toward wanting in their heart to live out away from people in a country setting while the other person might want to live in the city and have that kind of life.

These years are for exploring different possibilities of life. What you want, how many children you want, what kind of friends do you want in your life, will you entertain a lot as a couple or do you want a quieter life? Are religious values important or not so much. What are your views on how to raise children? What are your political views and do you want to play a part in politics?

There are many, many questions yet to be answered before you know a person is someone with whom you are compatible and if you will make a good partnership. A good partnership has to have both ingredients, your heart, which is what you are feeling now, and your head, which tells you if you will be compatible and if your partner will make a good partner and parent.

There are many things  yet unswered that will help you decide if someone will make a good partner and you will be a good team.

The first thing you must realize is that love cannot be forced. She has indicated that she is probably not quite ready for that lifetime commitment. This means that you cannot force her to be with you and feel the same way as you do.

The best thing to do at this age is what is the most difficult at this age because feelings are strong and the brain is not fully developed until around age 23-25--is to keep going with her but not demand an exclusive relationship. This means that she needs to feel free to explore all options. If it is meant to be then she will still be there in a few years. If you grow apart, it will become obvious to both of you that it won't work.

Another reason why it is important to date different people at this age. I get so many letters from people who were in serious relationships at this age and all of a sudden they feel like they have been tied down through all their teenage years and never got the chance to explore life and be young and free. This then causes much trouble in the relationship and sadly, very sadly, there are often one or two children by then that now are suffering because the relationship is breaking up and causing all sorts of heartache for them.

I know that you care and love her but when you really love someone you do what is best for them, even if it hurts. It is best to let her have more freedom to explore life and back off a bit as to trying to tie this relationship down and be exclusive and one and only. Doing the hardest thing is usually the right thing and that is that both of you date more than one so that you can compare and see if you are going to grow in the same directions. Even if you do not want to date others I highly recommend you give her the freedom to do so and that will be hard but if you want love to flow freely that is what you must do. If you try to force this it will push her away for sure.

So, tell her that she has her freedom and that you would like to go with her once every week or so and just have fun together and not get too serious yet and see if she will go for that. Right now, the pressure will push her away because of what she said to you.

I wish the very best for you both.

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant/Life Coach
www.personalityconsultant.com  

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Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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