How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Please help
QUESTION: We've been together on and off for a little over a year. He breaks up, and tells me he doesn't know what he wants, then get back together a few weeks to a month later. He keeps in contact texting me everyday, even during the break ups. Last time we got back together he told me he wants to be with me forever. He talked about moving in or getting a place together and getting married sometime after my divorce is final. Well it's been a couple months now, and we only see each other a couple days out of the week. I know hes busy at work, and feeling a bit frustrated living with his roommate, but I feel like he's distancing himself from me. He says he gets lazy and tired in winter and that we are ok. I can't help but feel due to the distancing, and not seeing each other much, that he's ready to break up again. Is this unfounded? Is he jerking me around?
Whether he is doing on purpose or not, yes he is jerking you around. You have no boundaries and therefore he instinctively knows that good old Sherrie will be there while he makes up his mind what he wants or doesn't want. You are too easy and he has no need to pursue you anymore.
The first thing you do is NOT tell him what you are thinking or doing. Just stop contacting him. Let him contact you. If he asks you why you haven't contact him tell him that you have been busy. Then get busy and do some new things that you can talk about. An exercise class or other new class. Do some volunteer work, or take up a new hobby. Do NOT make him think there is another guy. That is a big mistake. A man can understand another guy but is very confused when his competition is your doing new things and going places such as movies by yourself, and out to eat with friends, etc. Or, if his competition is your doing your hair or laundry.
He will probably ask you if anything is wrong. Insist that there is nothing wrong but tell him that since he seems quite busy himself you have decided that you had better get a life outside the relationship. If he wants to get together at the last minute tell him that you would really like to go and that if he had just let you know a few days ahead you could have arranged your schedule.
Do not do this as a game. It is not a game. It is life and how you want to set up a relationship. It is acknowledging your boundaries and now allowing someone to keep coming in and out of your life as he pleases. If he presses you for more and more of a commitment tell him that it goes both ways. If he wants more of a committment he has to give more of a commitment and no more taking your for granted but do not say this unless he has truly pursued you and is trying to nail down the relationship. Men are hunters and they value what is hard to catch.
What you are doing is reversing roles. You are letting him wonder where you and if you are goling to be there permanently instead of you. Don't be quick to commit. Make sure he is really in there. If you back off and are busy, if he backs off, too, then you know he really didn't care that much or at least care that deeply.
You will be very tempted to go back to your easy self by perhaps feeling afraid you will lose him or start making excuses for his behavior, or some other fear. If you want to set up good relationships you have to be stronger than that. You have to not care as much and hold back until you are sure before you give your heart, etc.away.
I do hope this helps and that you will do it. Too many women just can't do it. They have to keep trying to get the guy to "talk" about how he feels and keep pressuring him to commit. They lack confidence in knowing that they will be ok if the guy doesn't really want them or doesn't commit to them. You always have to be willing to risk when you set up a good relationship.
I wish you the best.