How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Relationship challenges

Advertisement


Question
I am a 24 year old female. My boyfriend (3 years older than me) and I have been dating for some three months now and we are very close to each other. Lately he told me that he finds that I give in to him too easily. (His exact words were "I always thought I need to score to win, but with you I always feel that I have already won") He is right in a way that by far in this relationship I am the one who has been taking all the initiatives, including the proposal of love. But he loves me and there's no doubt about that. He needs some challenge in this relationship, I guess. How do I make it more interesting for him without hurting him? He is sensitive..so I don't want to ignore him and play hard to get. At the same time, I don't want him to take me for granted either and want give him the thrill of the chase that he desires. Your kind advice is solicited.

Answer
Dear Archi,

This is a perfect example of why women should hold out until there is a full commitment. Men too often get bored when it is all too easy. The girl wrongly thinks that the more she does for the guy the more he will value her and want her, when just the opposite is true. Men like themselves better when they have to work to get the girl and and when she has standards and requirement connected with her love. He feels like if he has work to get you then he must be a pretty good guy for you to be giving him attention and that makes him want to be a better person.

As soon has pays attention to the modern girl she is right there with her heart, mind, and body--with no value to herself. Here--take it all--I require nothing in return. I do most of the calling and contact, no need to work hard to get me I am all yours right now forever. I am easy. You do not have to be especially good to me, I require no commitment, no matter what you do I will be there for you because I "love" you.  

There is a dance to a good courtship and that is the key.  In three months he should finally be maybe getting a kiss out of you. He should be asking you out in advance to make sure you are available. He should be wondering if you like him as much as he likes you and he respects you because you don't ever just hang out with him unless he asks you in advance and he must have some dates planned where you dress up and go out--and then maybe, just maybe, he can now start seeing you more frequently.

I don't know how you can go back and value yourself more so that he is the one who takes the lead when you so easily took over the whole relationship--without it looking like it ls a game. This is going to be very tough. He already takes you for granted and has even told you, in so many words, that he is bored with the whole thing already.  In three months!

The answer is for you to examine yourself and ask yourself why on earth were you so easy to get? Where is your self-value? Why do you think that you have to do so much in order for someone to like you? Who don't you feel that he is really lucky to have you and that he needs to do certain things in order to have your company?

I don't know how you can give him the thrill of the chase without your truly changing how you feel about yourself. Anything else is just a game. I don't know how you can value yourself a whole lot more overnight. A woman of self-confidence and self-value would already have sensed that she was being taken for granted and would naturally have backed off and made some requirements before further contact and would be upset at being taken for granted. You would have naturally said to yourself, "Oh,no. This is just too easy for this guy and no way am I going to keep taking charge of this relationship. If he wants me, he is going to have to appreciate me more."

But you are not having those feelings, in fact, you are already afraid you might hurt HIM because he is "sensitive" and thus you are still ready to let him take you for granted. A confident woman would be thinking, "What? I will give him the thrill of the chase all right. If he is getting bored it is time for me to make it darn well interesting and challenging for him--no more chasing my butt around for him all the time and putting all this into this relationship and not being appreciated!" From now on, he will be the one calling me and when he calls I will be busy and tell him that I sure don't want him to get bored with with me and if he wants to see me, he will have to work for it.

You are so afraid of losing him and the way you picture yourself in a relationship is too easy. Because of that, I  question your being able to do this because it means viewing yourself very differently than you have been.

I do not meant to be too hard on you. You are not to be blamed. Movies and media give such a false view of love and do not show how people develop a healthy relationship, and there seems to be no one to teach young women how to value themselves more.  

This is the rule of thumb, so to speak. A guy should you contact you three time to your one time. He should call you in advance for a date and take you somewhere--at least once a week on a regular date. He should always call before he sees you and only be allowed to "hang out" without a planned date only once a week. A confident women is independent and busy with her own life. He should get the feeling that he best be on his toes in order for her to make time for him. She does things with other girls and is busy getting ready for work and or/school and likes her space and time alone. She does not drop all her plans when he calls but tells him that she is so sorry, but if he would have called her a day or so before, then she wouldn't already have plans.

This is not a game, this is setting up life the way it should be. This is setting up life so that you are valued and so no one can take advantage of you or take you for granted. But if you are so afraid you will lose him then you are only a slave, not a confident and independent woman. This is commanding respect.

I do hope this helps and that you are smart and able to change your attitude about yourself so that you can make the changes to let him know he is darn lucky to be able to be with you and that you are worth it. Then it will not be a game but will really mean something to you as a person and to your life and will take this relationship to a much higher level.  Good luck!

Sharon Crandall
Personality Consultant/Life Coach

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Sharon Crandall

Experience

Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Education/Credentials
Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

Past/Present Clients
Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.