How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Relationship Problems


Dear Sharon,

My fiancÚ and I have been together for 2 years and this year we will be going on 3. We have to a of history and so many beautiful memories. We get along wonderfully and he listens to me as I do him. We understand each other and were there when we need each other. He makes me happy and he tells me I make him happy. I feel we're perfect. Lately we've been struggling with financial problems and it really stresses me out. Especially since he's struggling to find a job. I pay for everything, I don't mind at all because his love is all I need in return. Yes he is currently looking and sometimes he goes through these small problems where he gets depressed because he doesn't have a job he feels less of a man he says and I don't know how to help him. Paying for the car bullish coming up and I'm beyond stressed and I don't know how to deal with it. Help ! Another problem is I feel we're loosing our spark, he thinks were fine but I am not sure if there's something missing or not, him and I are together all the time but sometimes we run out of things to talk about and I don't know what to do about that we just stay quiet and smile at each other or play games. What should I talk about ? I feel like we don't do much but we don't have the money to be able to and it sucks because I feel it makes things harder for us as in we get bored. Our sex is amazing, and passionate but we have sex a lot and I don't want that to be just all we do well I wouldn't mind but that's not the meaning of our relationship. What else can we do ? Another problem is that quality time alone with him means a lot to me but how do I explain that to him ? He doesn't get it because I've never told him but lately friends would call while we're alone and he'd just let them come over without even telling me. I get upset but I don't want to let him know because I don't want to fight. We don't usually fight because we try so hard not to but how do I go about all this without fighting.

Dear Dalia,

Men's self-images are really tied up in their ability to provide and they suffer a lot when they are out of work. Women have difficulty in understanding that and so often do not know quite what to do about it. When you pay for everything, it makes it worse in how they feel about themselves. While to you, all you need is his love, he feels horrible about himself. If and when you get on the subject, ask him what he would like you to do and how best to support him in what he is going through.

The problem is that when a relationship is based a lot on sex, and when sex comes too soon in a relationship before a solid relationship is formed, true intimacy is not achieved. When two people have developed a solid relationship then they can sit there and not say a word and be comfortable. Each person does their own thing and good feelings are there.

Relationships change and evolve and so it is important to be aware and do what you can to help it change in the right direction so your question to me is a good sign.

Yes, it does seem like something is missing from what you have told me. You need more activities that you do together, which you realize, and which is difficult with no money. What would you think about doing some volunteer work together of some kind? This does several things. It gives you more to talk about, it helps you endure hard times with him being out of work and keep your own problems in perspective and it gives you a good feeling that both of you are working on something worthwhile together and helps make your bond with each other stronger.

Many couples have church activities that they enjoy together that helps them make more of a bond. Some belong to a good service organization that helps keep that bond and helps keep mutual goals. With him being out of work, doing something worthwhile will help his self-image and it is good for both of you, individually and as a couple.

As to him having friends over without your being consulted. Remember, men do not take hints and you have to ask them outright for what you want. Accusing and blame is not a good way to communicate or bawling him out. You simply tell him that it is important to you that you work as partners and that it is very disappointing to you to be looking forward to your alone time and he invites others over without asking you if it is okay, or without you both deciding together. Tell him that you would appreciate both of you making decisions together when it affects both of you and then ask him if he will please talk to you first, before he invites other people over.

Then be quiet and listen to what he says. This is an important part of communication. Stating what you want and then listening. If he objects then that is the point where an argument usually starts because then you start defending your position. That is the point where instead of going on the defensive and lashing out that you stop and listen to what they say and then ask questions that reflect what they are saying. It might be: "So, you think it okay for us to make decisions on our own that affects the other person?" "So, if I want to invite others to do things with us without talking to you first, that is okay with you?"

If you reflect back what he is saying, it helps to make thing more clear. That at that point instead of arguing, go do something else and leave it alone. Usually the other person will come around when you back off and let it all sink in.  

Learning how to communicate and negotiate your differences is very important. Just holding it in because you do not want to fight is not good for you or the relationship.

I would ask him what he would like you to do  or not to do while he is looking for work. Your being stressed out is understandable. Try to make fun out of sharing an ice cream at home or other little things that you can do together that doesn't cost anything. It doesn't cost anything to take a walk together or put on some music and dance together. Be creative and think about what you can do together.

I do hope this helps. If you need to respond with more info that would help me in my advice, feel free to do so.


How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall


Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

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Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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