How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Wanting to reunite with ex gf


so after spending new years with my ex gf who kept going hot and cold with me for 4 months now, she goes back from christmas break to her college town and completely brushes me aside. she starts another fight with me by throwing up all the things she thinks I did to her and blames me, all presumably to distance herself from me. She tells me its over, we are never getting back together and that we should part ways, but tells me she still wants to talk. I blocked her from everything afterwards and have gone no contact with her for 6 days now, and I have also heard she hooked up with another guy last week. Is is over for good now, or will she coming running back when she is lonely?

Dear Jarrett,

Since her pattern is to come and go, she could very well come back again-and as you say--when she gets lonely. Who knows how much she cares but for sure she is blaming you for all the problems. The truth is, it takes two people to argue and have problems.

The good news is that when one person changes it changes the formula of the relationship--sometime for better and sometimes for worse. Sometimes the other person then goes away, or sometimes their behavior gets better, or sometimes it gets worse, and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. That happens when they try to trigger the olde behavior.

Strangely enough, some people feel more comfortable when there are problems and fighting. Having a good relaitonship is too strange and people tend to return to the familiar.

This is what I think you should do. If she does want to come back tell her that you will give it a try but only if things change. Only if you set up some rules for the relationship so that you can communicate and get along better--otherwise it is a no go. Then listen to what she says. Ask her if she is looking for and really wants a good relationship or not. Listen to what she says. That is one of the most important part of communication is listening and asking enough questions to truly understand the other person.  

The rules of the relationship should be this:

If someone is upset over it they do not get to blame the other person. They only get to say, "It looks like we have a problem here. I am feeling such and such. What can WE do to solve it. In other words, the rule is that you do not get to complain unless you are willing to discuss how to solve it and help come up with ideas on how to solve the problem. Otherwise you just get into a blame--defend--defend--blame and nothing gets solved.

Then you could make other rules such as each person pays the other person a compliment once a day or once during when you are together.

This may sound strange but good relationships don't just happen. It takes some effort and work, just like any job or business. You know yourself and your ex gf and would know what kind of rules need to be set. So, if you think it is worth the try to work on this relationship then go for it, but don't become the person who is there when she is feeling lonely and needs someone because then you are just being used.

We have to teach others how to respect us and so we must respect ourselves and have some boundaries. Boundaries can be set kindly, but firmly. No need to make a big fight over it and that weakens your position anyway. It is best to be as calm and yet firm as possible.

When faced with a possibility of a different kind of relationship than what you both had together, she just might be interested. If not, then she is not what you want in your life.

I hope this helps.


How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Sharon Crandall


Over 30 years of working with individuals, families, and businesses. Teaching classes, private coaching--helping design individual life plans,, private personality assessment, group workshops, and training others to become Personality Consultants and Life Coaches.

Certified in two year program of Personality Science. Certified in secondary Personality Science program from a different institution. Trained in various workshops for Life Coaching, Self-educated from numerous books and programs, plus private training from Personality Science experts.

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Hundreds of people from all walks of life including private individuals, couples, families, and businesses--from homemakers to CEO's Worked with many groups in workshops and classes. Worked with businesses particularly in customer relations/service and sales.

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