How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Wanting to reunite with ex gf
QUESTION: My name is Jarrett, I'm a 24 year old living in Jacksonville, Fl who was recently dumped by my girlfriend after a 14 month long distance relationship. She is 21 and a senior in college and I am living and working here in Jacksonville. We met in 2011, when I was still in school, started hooking up and then began a long distance relationship after I left in August 2011. throughout the past year, we had a great relationship, great chemistry, had the same values, had a lot of fun together and we became really serious and began planning a future together once she graduated. We argued somewhat from time to time, but nothing too serious. Although the relationship was great, I did have a few problems with how she acted sometimes. She is 21, she acted somewhat immature, is a bit selfish, spoiled and sometimes acted like she didnt care. Our arguments would mostly stem from if she annoyed me, and I would say something, they would escalate because she would never take responsibility for it, and I felt like I was never being heard. Well, on September 20, 2012 we got into a huge fight, because it was the one year anniversary of my brothers death, and I did not think she was very supportive of me on that day, so I kind of blew up on her for not being there and said some mean and hurtful things to her. She was hurt, said we should take a break and not talk for awhile, and I agreed. Through this break, she contacted me numerous times, and then a week later, after not talking for several days, she sent me a text message at work to tell me she officially wanted to break up. I said ok and was fine with it. She then tried contacting me several time over the next few weeks. I found out she went out and had sex with two guys in one weekend, and really started partying hard afterwards. We talked after that weeked, hooked up, and she told me angrily she didnt understand why I was so hurt, she is over me and is not sulking. That was on October 12th, we have gone a month now without seeing each other, I broke a 9 day NC, and we have been texting and talking back and forth now, she keeps saying she is over me, but keeps coming back to me, saying she is confused, she still cares about me, doesnt want me to move on etc. She even told me she has been on 2 dates with another guy, and when I said i was ok with it, she got upset. Part of me feels like she really loves me and is slowly coming back, and the other part of me feels like she is sending mixed signals and stringing me along. She's told me she wants me to help her through her confusion, and I want to be patient with her, while moving on with my life. She says she just wants to be friends, but we text all day and night everyday. I'm trying to be patient and rebuild trust with her, but right now it seems as if she is holding the cards and is guarding her emotions. What should I do? How much longer should I stay around and wait for her?
ANSWER: Dear Jarrett,
Ate you sure you want to get back with her? She sounds very immature. Going out and having sex with two guys right after you broke up is not only immature it is wreckless and even dangerous. I just read where 1 out of 4 young women have STD's. These are serious deseases that can cause birth defectsin bablies, and also can be passed along in the uterus to an unborn child that can cause serious health problems for the baby, and a woman sometimes becoming unable to have children, let alone some diseases that cause serious problems the rest of your life. When you have sex with someone you are having sex with every person that your partner has had sex with.
She wants you to help through her confusion which means that she probably doesn't take responsibility much for her life. Then she was upset because you were not jealous when she said you were ok with her dating another guy after she told you that she just wants to be friends. I think she is looking for something very unrealistic. She is picturing you as a should be knight in shining armor that sweeps her off her feet and takes her away and live happily ever after.
The question is--would you make a good partnership--a mutually loving and giving relationship or would you be taking most of the responsibility for the happiness of this relationship?
Now, if you decide you really want her back you need to back off and cut way down on your contact with her. Be busy and cheerful as you can be and give her a chance to miss you. Talk to her and see how she is doing so you remain interested in her to some extent but give her enough space to decide whether she really misses you enough to want you back or if she is ready to move on. I would not make any commitment or comment about the future--just back off and see how she reacts. If she presses you tell her that you are not sure, either, about your future together. When you back off from a person it forces them to think about the relationship. She will either express her desire to put things back together or move farther away and move on. As it is, it keeps everything in limbo because her needs to still feel you want her and love her and are right there for her when and if she decides to stay. You remain her comfort cushion so she does not have to face the loneliness. This puts her in the drivers seat and allows her to use you emotionally and "string" you along.
I hope this helps.
Personality Consultant/Life Coach
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QUESTION: The way it has been since we have been steadily talking since November is that we will text back and forth. We will get close, then she will pull away. She'll get close, and then withdraw, only to come right back, but she doesn't come back to try to get back together. It's like she is withholding all her emotions right now and keeping her guard up, but doesn't not want me going anywhere. My question is, why is her guard up, what is holding her back? Why does she act like I hurt her so badly? She claims I said so many mean and horrible things to her, when in reality, it was my frustration with her selfish, immature, poor behavior. I never cheated on her, I never lied to her, I wasn't abusive, I always was there for her, I always kept my word and my promises. What did I ever do to make this girl treat me like she has? When will she ever see how good I was for her? Maybe you are right, maybe I should pull back, live my life, and let her truly experience the loss of not having me there, hopefully she'll grow up and realize what she lost and miss me, I don't know what to think.
ANSWER: Hi. I stand by what I said before. She is immature and is expecting a completely unrealistic relationship. She keeps going back and forth, hoping you will solve all her problems and is really using you, whether on purpose or not. Of course she doesn't want you to go anywhere. You are her pacifier, her security blanket. She wants you there to make her feel good. To make her feel like someone wants her while she does what she wants in exploring all her options. How nice and cushy for her. She has all the power and keeps you hopping. This feeds her ego.
I stand by my former advice. She needs to experience the consequences of her choices. She takes no responsibility in her behavior and until she goes through, probably a few different guys doing the same thing, she will not learn.
You need to back off and if she pursues you, you need to tell her that until she takes responsiblity for her actions, as well, you are not interested in this one way relationship. The question to ask yourself is why you want more punishment. She loads all the responsibility on you for the relationship--is that what you want for yourself? I don't think it is her guard being up, I think it is that she cannot handle a real relationship and is expecting you to solve the whole problem.
Back off and let her suffer a little bit and see if she is ready for a two-way relationship. I don't think she is and that you are wasting your time. Perhaps you are a rescuer and need to feel like you are rescuing her--not a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Only you know that one.
Do the best thing for you. The best thing for you is also the best thing for her.
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QUESTION: I forgot to mention, that I've backed off in the sense that I don't bring up the relationship or my feelings to her anymore, and I keep things cool and casual from a distance. Now, she came and spent this past New Year's with me. We did sleep together multiple times, she was very affectionate, we smiled, joked, laughed, held hands, and had a wonderful time together and there was no awkwardness. She said she had so much fun with me and said she loves that she can be herself around me. She told her friends she had fun with me, still has feelings for me, but still isn't sure if she wants to be with me. Was all of that a mistake, or was it a good sign that things are slowly moving the right way?
Unless she was ready for a full commitment it was only a comfort zone for her. Not a good sign because of your willingness to settle for crumbs falling from her table. She didn't have to be alone on New Year's eve or with someone she really didn't like, which would have been really good for her so she would think about how nice you have been to her. She got to have a great New Years eve and didn't have to make any kind of a commitment to you. This puts you in a needy position where she does not respect you. If you do not value yourself who will? Why would you settle for such an arrangement where you are waiting around hoping that she will spend some time with you and allow yourself to be treated this way?
Here you are giving her everything without demanding any kind of responsibility on her part to make things right. Boy, does she have it made. She can treat you any way she likes and you come begging for more. Have you forgotten how she blamed you for everything and was not willing to look at her own behavior to help make the relationship what it should be?
We teach others how to treat us and when we have no standards or boundaries we get used and walked on.