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How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Sexual hang up on girlfriends past lovers

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I've been dating my girlfriend for about four years.  Through the years our relationship included a fantastic sex life .  We both have a huge sexual appetite and general keep eachother very satisfied. But I have a sexual hang up that has gotten out of hand.  It all began years ago when we first started dating and grew more complicated during a break in our relationship.  The initial problem started after I stared to fall in love with her and learned she had fucked a young stud on a whim one night.  We had been having great sex and really enjoying eachothers company but one night she ended up taking a younger man home with her a fucking him. I was blind with hurt and jealousy. I could not stop obsessing over the vision of her getting fucked.  While she said she regretted it, I still couldn't let it go.  I constantly hounded her for details about that night.  How big was his dick?  what did it feel like?  Did you cum? What positions?  She finally agreed to answer all my questions if I promised to drop it.   Well it's not that simple.  The way it made me feel is indescribable.  It was a weird cocktail of  erotic jealousy, controlled rage and sexual curiosity.   It got to the point it's all I could think about during sex. In fact I couldn't cum sometimes unless I thought about her getting fucked.   That went on for a few years.  Then for a variety of reasons I broke up with her.  She was devastated for several months. We both missed eachother terribly but I wanted to stay away. I told her to move on. She finally did .  During that time she started fucking what she described as a gorgeous man with an unbelievable body.   Finally I couldn't take being without her so I asked her to get back together.  She agreed and we are now very happily reunited.  But I'm back to my old ways.  I obsess over her getting fucked by her past lover.  That same cocktail of erotic jealousy mixed with sexual curiosity drive me crazy.  I begged her to tell me every tiny detail of each time he fucked her.  As last time,It kinda hurt but I couldn't get enough of it   I hate it but I love it.  It's now to the point that I can't cum during sex unless I visualize her getting fucked by her past lover.  I can't get past it. Plus it's getting harder and harder to cum.  We usually have sex once at night and once during the morning but now there are times I can't cum after fucking for 45 mins.  What is going on?  How can I fix this.  I want to live in the moment.  I don't want to rely on these fantasy to have an orgasm.  Please advise...

Answer
Hi Tmoe,

What I think this comes down to is you sabotaging yourself and the relationship.  What I mean is that you are / have been comparing yourself to these guys and her experiences without you.  Maybe you have even wondered if you will be good enough for her that she won't stray (again). Now I appreciate you have been angry at her.  Have you thoroughly expressed this to her?  If not, you need to and hopefully she listens and is there for you.  If you have, then you will need to forgive her at this point and move on.  STOP TORTURING YOURSELF with all those thoughts about positions and other guys.  That's done, yes?  It seems like there is a lot of love here to keep it working.  But any good relationship needs communication.  I hope it is all there.  Good luck!  Stuart

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

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Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT

Expertise

how to help relationship. How to address issues within relationship......I am pretty open here

Experience

20th year in the field. Managed and directed clinical programs. Now, I work out of my own office as well as supervise counselors

Organizations
California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists

Publications
The California Therapist

Education/Credentials
B.A. Psychology M.S. Counseling Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Awards and Honors
Hero of the Heart - Covina Valley USD

Past/Present Clients
I work with individuals, couples, families and children

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