How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Sexual Hangup

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QUESTION: "I've been dating my girlfriend for about four years. Through the years our relationship was built on genuine love and a fantastic sex life. Not only that, she became my best friend and trusted agent. We both have a very large sexual appetite and we have always kept each other very satisfied in every way-- emotionally and physically . But I have a sexual hang up that has gotten out of hand.
It all began years ago when we first started dating and grew more complicated during a break in our relationship. The initial problem started after I fell head over heals in love with her and was staggered after she fucked a young stud on a whim one night. While technically we were not committed to each other in any way, we had been having great sex and really enjoying each others company. So I was floored the night she ended up taking a younger man home with her after meeting him under the guise of a job interview. I thought she was going to have an interview with him and return to her home to meet me, so I waited for her outside of her house with great expectations and a nice bottle of french wine.
When I saw her pull up I was so excited until I saw another car pull into the garage with hers. It was the "recruiter" she had met with earlier that evening. I watched through the window in shock as they began to kiss and caress each other. I wanted to run but I could not pull myself away. I felt like a creepy peeping Tom peering through the window as I was blinded with hurt, rage and jealousy as I watched them undress each other. After a brief session of kissing and caressing, she sat in a tall bar chair and spread her legs so he could enter her. I nearly cried as I watch him slide his hard dick in her and fuck her until he came deep in her pussy. I walked away in shock and left them to continue their night of ecstasy.
In the days and months that followed, I could not stop obsessing over the vision of her getting fucked. I asked about what happened that night and my girlfriend lied and said nothing happened because her lover was too drunk for sex. Finally after weeks of badgering she admitted she fucked him at least a few times that night. She had no idea that I had watched the whole thing.
While she said she regretted it, I still couldn't let it go. I constantly hounded her for details about that night to the point of deeply upsetting her. How big was his dick? What did it feel like? How many times did you cum? What were you saying to him as he fucked you? What positions did he fuck you later that night? Did you snuggle him like you snuggle me? She finally agreed to answer all my questions if I promised to drop it. Well it's not that simple. The way it made (and makes) me feel is indescribable. It was/ is a weird cocktail of erotic jealousy, controlled rage and sexual curiosity. It got to the point it's all I could think about during sex. In fact I couldn't cum sometimes unless I thought about her getting fucked. That went on for a few years. Then for a variety of reasons, we broke up.
We were both devastated for several months. We both missed each other terribly but I felt I should stay away. As much as it hurt, I told her to move on. She finally did . During that time she started dating and ultimately fucking what she described as a gorgeous man with an unbelievable body. After weeks and weeks of living in Hell knowing she was sucking and fucking a new lover, I couldn't take being without her another day. I couldnt live with the thought of loosing her forever. I needed my soul mate back! I begged her to consider letting me back into her life. She agreed and we are now very happily reunited.
But now I'm back to my old ways. I obsess over her getting fucked by her past lover. That same potent cocktail of erotic jealousy mixed with sexual curiosity drives me crazy. I love the thought of her being treated like a goddess and her body being ravaged by a handsome stud with a big hard dick. I begged her to tell me every tiny detail of each time he fucked her and performed oral sex on her. Finally, she wrote me a long story that read like a romantic love story outlining nights and nights of passion and hot sex. As last time she took a new lover,It hurt, but I couldn't get enough of it... I hate it but I love it. It's now to the point that sometimes I can't cum when we make love unless I visualize her getting fucked by her past lover or her mounting his hard cock and riding him until she cums and cums. I can't get past it. Plus it's getting harder and harder for me to cum. We usually make love at least once at night and once during the morning but now there are times I can't cum after fucking for 45 mins because of all the things racing through my mind. What is going on? How can I fix this? Can I do self therapy?  Are the measures we can take together as a couple? Can I answer any of your questions to further define the problems I have?  I want to live in the moment. I don't want to rely on these fantasies to have an orgasm. I deeply love this woman and I cant imagine my life without her. Please help me get things back on track...

ANSWER: Hello Tmoe,

It appears to me that you have two opposing forces at work here. First, you are dealing with the jealousy. You love this woman, but can't get out of your mind that she's been intimate with another man. You don't even have to imagine it. You have a video of it that plays in your mind at the drop of a dime. If I understand right, she wasn't committed to you officially at the time of this encounter, but, really, that doesn't matter. Although she didn't betray your trust, you can't help but be jealous. You visualize someone else doing to her what you feel only you have the right to.

On the other hand, you are also turned on by the fact that you saw her having sex with another man. That, too, is not an uncommon feeling. first off, you saw what was supposed to be "private", so part of the turn on is catching them. On top of that, many couples fantasize about sharing their partners with someone else, and it's exciting imagining them being sexually turned on by another person.

For, you, these two feelings are diametrically opposed to one another (jealousy and sexual excitement). The thing is, you feel these two emotions because of the same event. So, when you think of it, you are hurt on one level, while being turned on at another level. that has to cause conflict within you, to be turned on by the same thing that creates jealousy.

All of your questions satiated two needs: the need for details so you know exactly what they did so you can start to heal, as well as the need to know exactly what they did so you can fill in the gaps in your sexual fantasy video (the one in your head).

Now that you two are back together you seem to have become obsessed with this encounter. As a result, it is affecting you sexually. On one hand, you might think that thinking about it would decrease your desire, yet you are telling me that you need to visualize it to be able to reach orgasm. Again, diametrically opposed forces at work.

I think that because this appears to have reached an obsessive level that self-therapy may not be enough. I think you may want to start with a referral from your doctor. You don't have to go into detail, but you might ask if he/she can recommend a therapist that can help you with an incident that is causing some sexual dysfunction and obsessive thoughts. You will probably have to go back before this incident to see what kind of sexual history you have.

I think that there is more to you sexually. What else should I know that you've not shared? Sex is important to many of our lives, but it seems to have taken a bigger slice of the pie in yours. When did that begin? Was there a moment that woke you up sexually early on? What kind of encounters have you had? When did you first start to become sexual and with who? I think that some of the answers to these questions will help you to figure out why this incident has become what it is now.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Mr. Baxter,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful answer.  As for your questions about my sexual past, I would first say my childhood and past sex life was text book wonderful.  I was the youngest child of six, have great family with lots and lots of love.  As far as I know, I was never abused and never had any weird things happen to me.  

My introduction to hard core sex came after discovering sex tapes my dad had hidden away. I was about 14 years old. It wasn't anything too kinky, just normal porn.  I will say I loved it and I will admit I have watched a fair amount of porn in my time.  There were some years I watched it everyday, but now I rarely watch it because I make love to my lover twice a day.  Without that, I'd probably watch a lot more porn.

As for dating and past lovers, I've had a wonderful love life.  I've had plenty of lovers, but generally speaking, I have been fairly monogamous my entire adult life.  My first real hard ache came in college when I discovered my girlfriend was having sex with my best friend.  That almost killed me, but I ultimately recovered and moved on with my life.

I was married 20 years and split with my wife to be with the woman I am currently with.  While my wife and I had a decent marriage, it just fizzled out and lost all passion.  When I met, my girlfriend I realized I probably should have left my wife way earlier.  My wife and I had a very vanilla sex life and I was never really satisfied until I met my current lover.  We have an amazing chemistry.  Sparks have continued to fly for years.

Sexually speaking, our only problem is my hangup.  I love to fantasize about her fucking her past lovers.  In fact I told her, I would even consider doing a threesome if she ever wanted.  She said that will never happen.  Why am I so hung up on this?  As I said before, I usually can't cum unless I imagine her getting fucked by her past lovers.  BTW, I have no interest in touching another man or playing the cuckold game.  I do not want to be humiliated and I definitely am repulsed by the thought of so much as touching another male in a sexual way.  

My girlfriend is wonderful, but she does not have any appreciation for my hangup.  In fact it really pisses her off when I bring up the incident of her one night stand and she does not want to talk about the last lover she had for around a month during our last breakup. The only reason I know any real details is because I hounded her to tell me all the things that happened.  I asked that she write it all down.  She begrudgingly agreed if I promised to never bring it up again. Now I love to think about every little detail of her sexual encounters. I go through every step of foreplay and intercourse to the smallest detail  If I had it my way, she would let me fuck her while she was telling me how her lover removed her clothes, performed oral sex on her, then spread her legs, mounted her and fucked her.  It drives me wild!

Another consideration is the fact that I watched alot of porn during our breakup.  I always imagined it was her getting fucked by her lovers.  My guess this may be a contributor to my hang up because I can feel myself becoming detached sometimes when we are actually having intercourse and I cant cum.  I start to fantasize and it often helps me orgasm.  

Another bit of pertinent information is the amount of sex my lover and I have... at least twice a day.  I have been advised by some that this is really high and that if I cut back, I could cum alot easier.  I would rather not do that.  My lover and I always joke around and say we love to make love and we love to fuck.  Sometime we do both at the same time.  

Others have advised that I talk my lover into doing a threesome.  They say that will cure my hangup because I will become integrated into the fantasy.  As I said before, I'm pretty sure I would like to try a no strings threesome, but my lover is presently not interested.    

Well, Thats it.  Spilled my guts.  Can you give me any advice.  Thanks again for your first answer.

Cheers,

TMOE

Answer
Hello again, TMOE,

Your introduction to porn is not uncommon or unusual. You watching porn doesn't necessarily create this situation you are currently experiencing. It's probably not the cause of your obsession with your fantasy, but whatever is causing it, may also have created the need for mass porn consumption or twice daily sex. Having sex twice a day is definitely more frequent than the average person, but it still doesn't necessarily mean that something is "wrong".

I'm wondering about this experience you had with your college girlfriend. She was secretly having sex with another guy. That was the cause of your first heart ache. You say you eventually got over it, but I wonder if you may have held on to a part of that. I may be reaching for straws here, but it's the first connection I have seen. Did you feel the need to fantasize about your partners with other men after your college experience?

How about with your ex wife? You say she wasn't sexually compatible with you. Did you ever bring up the fantasy of her having sex with another man? Also, I noticed that you said that you left your wife for your current girlfriend. That's different than saying that after you left your wife you met your current girlfriend. And, your message implies that you left because the sex was better with your current girlfriend. I'm sure there was more to it, but I am noticing that sex has been a recurring theme in your life's decisions for quite some time.

The fact that you are becoming detached from your girlfriend while you are having sex is a concern. I wish I could give you the answer you are looking for, but it seems that this goes deeper than just you and your girlfriend. There have been sexual issues before her, and I'm not sure from where they stem. Could be the college break-up, but that's just a shot int he dark. I think you might want to talk to your physician and ask for a referral to a specialist who may be able to help. Be sure to mention the detachment you are having during sex. Hopefully that will help your doc see the urgency and point you in the right direction.

I wish I could have been more help.

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