How to Strengthen Your Relationship/Weird Hangup
"I've been dating my girlfriend for about four years. Through the years our relationship was built on genuine love and a fantastic sex life. Not only that, she became my best friend and trusted agent. We both have a very large sexual appetite and we have always kept each other very satisfied in every way-- emotionally and physically . But I have a sexual hang up that has gotten out of hand.
It all began years ago when we first started dating and grew more complicated during a break in our relationship. The initial problem started after I fell head over heals in love with her and was staggered after she fucked a young stud on a whim one night. While technically we were not committed to each other in any way, we had been having great sex and really enjoying each others company. So I was floored the night she ended up taking a younger man home with her after meeting him under the guise of a job interview. I thought she was going to have an interview with him and return to her home to meet me, so I waited for her outside of her house with great expectations and a nice bottle of french wine.
When I saw her pull up I was so excited until I saw another car pull into the garage with hers. It was the "recruiter" she had met with earlier that evening. I watched through the window in shock as they began to kiss and caress each other. I wanted to run but I could not pull myself away. I felt like a creepy peeping Tom peering through the window as I was blinded with hurt, rage and jealousy as I watched them undress each other. After a brief session of kissing and caressing, she sat in a tall bar chair and spread her legs so he could enter her. I nearly cried as I watch him slide his hard dick in her and fuck her until he came deep in her pussy. I walked away in shock and left them to continue their night of ecstasy.
In the days and months that followed, I could not stop obsessing over the vision of her getting fucked. I asked about what happened that night and my girlfriend lied and said nothing happened because her lover was too drunk for sex. Finally after weeks of badgering she admitted she fucked him at least a few times that night. She had no idea that I had watched the whole thing.
While she said she regretted it, I still couldn't let it go. I constantly hounded her for details about that night to the point of deeply upsetting her. How big was his dick? What did it feel like? How many times did you cum? What were you saying to him as he fucked you? What positions did he fuck you later that night? Did you snuggle him like you snuggle me? She finally agreed to answer all my questions if I promised to drop it. Well it's not that simple. The way it made (and makes) me feel is indescribable. It was/ is a weird cocktail of erotic jealousy, controlled rage and sexual curiosity. It got to the point it's all I could think about during sex. In fact I couldn't cum sometimes unless I thought about her getting fucked. That went on for a few years. Then for a variety of reasons, we broke up.
We were both devastated for several months. We both missed each other terribly but I felt I should stay away. As much as it hurt, I told her to move on. She finally did . During that time she started dating and ultimately fucking what she described as a gorgeous man with an unbelievable body. After weeks and weeks of living in Hell knowing she was sucking and fucking a new lover, I couldn't take being without her another day. I couldnt live with the thought of loosing her forever. I needed my soul mate back! I begged her to consider letting me back into her life. She agreed and we are now very happily reunited.
But now I'm back to my old ways. I obsess over her getting fucked by her past lover. That same potent cocktail of erotic jealousy mixed with sexual curiosity drives me crazy. I love the thought of her being treated like a goddess and her body being ravaged by a handsome stud with a big hard dick. I begged her to tell me every tiny detail of each time he fucked her and performed oral sex on her. Finally, she wrote me a long story that read like a romantic love story outlining nights and nights of passion and hot sex. As last time she took a new lover,It hurt, but I couldn't get enough of it... I hate it but I love it. It's now to the point that sometimes I can't cum when we make love unless I visualize her getting fucked by her past lover or her mounting his hard cock and riding him until she cums and cums. I can't get past it. Plus it's getting harder and harder for me to cum. We usually make love at least once at night and once during the morning but now there are times I can't cum after fucking for 45 mins because of all the things racing through my mind. What is going on? How can I fix this? Can I do self therapy? Are the measures we can take together as a couple? Can I answer any of your questions to further define the problems I have? I want to live in the moment. I don't want to rely on these fantasies to have an orgasm. I deeply love this woman and I cant imagine my life without her. Please help me get things back on track...
Its obvious you are having serious problem getting the unfortunate incident you saw that night out of your mind. I would suggest you consult a therapist, as it would help to drain away those negative emotions. As regards you not been able to live without her, its absolutely false. Your life cannot be tied to an individual. You have a wonderful future ahead of you, and its wrong for you to continuously whimper over the unfortunate incident that happened that night.
One thing am sure of is this: Its possible for you to forgive her for what she did that night, but it will take a while for you to forget about it. You need patience and a whole lot of self meditations to get out of those negative thoughts.
Wishing you all the best.