How to Strengthen Your Relationship/crushed
QUESTION: For a long while I suspected my fiancee of not giving me her all because of one of her past relationships, and the hurt she went thru. There has been a part of her that she wouldnt open up, with being more loving, affectionate, and nurturing. As time progressed within our dating, I noticed i was always the one initiating romance, affection, etc. in the beginning it wasnt a big deal because it was the courting phase. But as time passed it was something i noticed. she had told me before that she didnt think she would ever be able to love the way she did with her ex.
also from the beginning when we started dating, i was the first person that she went out of the box with in not dating her type. she likes dark muscular dudes, where as i am of a lighter complexioned black male, and while im not obese or sloppy, im not a body builder type. but i have never had issues with women because i am also an attractive individual, so all this is new to me. so coupled with her being hurt before, and me not being her "type"initially she had her concerns, but "love" and how i treated her helped her look past what she wanted to see what she needed.
well to make a long story short we finally had a heart to heart, and she confirmed everything i thought. she realizes shes not that loving as she could be, and she has a block up, she admitted she knows shes not affectionate, and wants to be able to love me as i love her, then she tells me we should work out together which could help out with our intimacy.
so now im feeling like crap because these past couple years i feel like ive been cheated out of the love i thought i deserved and only to find out that shes not really that attracted to me, unless i become the incredible hulk. she told me that she finds me attractive and good looking etc, so thats fine i guess. but now im stuck because i really dont know how to feel right now.
whats most prevalent is sadness, and im really trying not to be but man, talk about a shot to the confidence. my carnal side is telling me to forget her and leave this relationship, but my spiritual side says to work it out because she was truthful and genuinely wants to work on us.
but most of all i just want to stop feeling so down.
thanks for listening
ANSWER: Hello Derrick,
I know how tough it can be to get a shot like that, then look back at the years you've had together and question if it was all a "lie". But, you need to not worry about the past. It's already happened and the truth is, you enjoyed that time with her. Don't go back and make a mockery of that memory. Those feelings you had with her were legitimate. Don't change the past. Let's deal with the present and set up the future.
I have to assume that her ex was a pretty fit guy. The reason I would assume that (other than you telling me that those are the kinds of guys she goes for generally) is because it seems to me that the biggest mistake here is that she never got over this guy before she committed to you.
It's not necessarily her fault. She may have done it consciously (I'll start dating derrick to help me get over this guy), or she may not have even realized (I'm over him and ready to move forward). I know you are the one who is taking the brunt of this, but I would wager she never intended to hurt you.
She's stuck on her ex. She finds you attractive and nothing like her ex physically, so she dives in with you. If she can have a relationship with the antithesis of her ex, it'll be easier to get over him, right? Well, in this case, it doesn't seem so. She wants to love you, but because she never went through the healing process, she can't fully commit to you. After two years, she realizes that she's not loving you the way she should. Her plan (finding a guy the opposite of her ex) hasn't worked. She doesn't want to lose you. She wants to love you as she loved him. So, why not make you into him.
She wants you to hit the gym and maybe physically you'll be more like him and easier to love the way she wants to.
I know it sounds harsh, but odds are she she's doing this below the conscious level.
So what do you do? It's easy for me to say, because I am not emotionally vested in this relationship. You have put in two years and lots of emotion, but the truth is, Derrick, I don't think she'll ever be able to love you right (or anyone else for that matter) until she deals with her pain from losing her ex. She needs to do what she never did over two years ago: deal with the loss, feel angry, get sad, start to heal and rebuild herself. She needs to look at what worked from that relationship so she can use that in the next, while identifying what didn't so she can be sure to avoid that next time.
That would mean you would have to let her go (told you it was easy from where I am sitting). I know that's a tough decision. And, you have no guarantee that she won't try to return to him or that she'll ever return to you, but I think that if you don't, you'll never get her heart completely.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: The crazy part about all of this, is both of her exes are married now, and they both cheated on her. She asked me since this talk if i had thoughts about leaving the relationship, i told her honestly yes, because in the brunt of this hurt, i felt hopeless. She told me that even though we hit this hurdle she cant see herself being with anyone else, and shes gonna do whatever it takes to make us better. All that is good, but as a man that confidence blow was tough, so any help u can give me with that would be appreciated. thanks again, i rated you as a 10 in all areas, you are beyond awesome!
Hello again, Derrick,
It's good to know that logically she knows that she needs to be with you, but logic doesn't sway emotion. Emotionally she is still not over her ex. I think that since she is willing to do what it takes to make things work with you, is that you offer her a break in the relationship. Here's a link that might help (http://couplescommittedtolove.com/a/reports/taking-a-break/
Really, to make this work long-term, she needs to deal with her issues so she can move forward with you. Give her 4 - 6 months of a break for her to mentally be able to move on, and then come back together, start again at square-one and rebuild your relationship foundation so that this can be the relationship you both deserve and want.